Things I'll Never Understand

I used to think I was pretty smart. Seriously, ask anyone. But time - and a tribulation or two - has a way of humbling a person and making him realize that there is less and less he comprehends the older he gets. For a while - probably a solid decade - that bothered and puzzled me. I assumed more knowledge came with more birthday candles. Wrong.

Oh sure, I now know what subprime means, have an intimate understanding of the phrase attorney's fees and have even been metaphorically kneed in the groin by the loss of collective bargaining rights. But I ask you, what did awareness of these and other grown-up terms ever do for me besides deprive me of sleep?

Instead, I've turned my attention to knowing more about less. Hey, the synapses (or is it neurons - see, shouldn't I know this by now?) are only firing so fast these days - so why jam up the brain's expressways any further with knowledge that will only give me brain freeze? And really - does knowing what words like synergy mean going to improve the quality of my life at all? I didn't think so either.

And while I have accepted that many of "The Mysteries of Life" will forever go unanswered, they still puzzle me from time to time. These mysteries defy logic and reason, yet they exist. What's even worse is the realization that there are more mysteries I simply haven't pondered yet.

For now at least, I can only scratch my head at the little that I do know (or rather, don't know). Such as:

1. Twitter - Yes, I know what Twitter is and does. But what I don't "get" is why we care so much what famous people think and do when they aren't doing the things that made them famous.

2. Jennifer Aniston's Enduring Popularity - Am I being unnecessarily harsh when I say that she has played the same character (herself) in every movie she has ever "acted' in? Hey, I was smitten by her during the first season of Friends too, but wasn't that in 1995? Time's up, Jen.

3. Why Dogs Sniff Butts and Feces - The average dog has 220 million olfactory receptors compared to our paltry 5 million. But instead of smelling the beautiful flower garden you lovingly cultivated in your backyard, Gizmo, Lucy and Buster intently whiff the intestinal remains of yesterday's Kibble. And can't canines find a better way to greet each other? Apparently not.

4. Athletes Thanking God for Their On-field Success - Faith is a beautiful thing. So is compassion, self-sacrifice and empathy. But why do I reach for the remote every time some self-absorbed millionaire thanks a deity (instead of the latest human growth hormone or an over-adoring public ) for his "God-on-Earth" status? Are they such narcissists that they actually think The Big Guy doesn't have better things to do than make sure they succeed on a 3rd and long in the red zone? God to Tim Tebow: "I Don't Care."

5. Why the Government Doesn't Act in Our Best Interests - Does anyone think they do anymore? I haven't given up on our form of government, but I'm almost done with the way it is being run. From the constant hunt for re-election to the outsized influence of high-priced lobbyists to the naked partisanship and waste, the farce that is American Politics (both Democratic and Republican) is an open secret. And yet the corruption is so layered that special interest groups and politicians have effectively insulated themselves from real scrutiny and true reform.  Meanwhile, the vast majority of 300 million people pay for it all. A quick study of history shows that when our leaders have actually "done the right thing" by us (revolution, disunion, complete economic collapse, world wars) was when to do anything else would have resulted in the end of the system of government that they have directly benefited from for going on 225 years now. Sorry, the entire list can't be for laughs. That unanswered question really rankles me. But lastly:

6. How Does One Shoe Manage to Get on the Road - Am I the only person who has noticed this phenomenon? Freeways, highways, county roads - it doesn't matter - every now and then one - and only one - shoe (dress, casual, tennis, flipflop, there's no discriminating) can be found resting quietly on the shoulder of a road, abandoned. How did it get there? Was the passenger of a vehicle angry at the driver and decided to use their shoe as a projectile, but missed wide-right? Or did I delete the national memo decreeing that throwing one shoe on our roadways was our new collective four-leaf clover? Perhaps individual states are now allowing shoes to marry (isn't the fact that they are living together enough for them, really?) and the pair figured the open road was as good a place as any to untie the knot? It baffles me, and always will.

So you see, I clearly know less and ponder more than I did in my younger years. And because the answers to these questions - and many more - will always be out of my reach, Ignorance truly does seem to be Bliss. Or something like that. It was a long time ago, I've forgotten.