Me Fail English? That's Unpossible!

I love Ralphie Wiggum - the hapless, dimwitted boy on the long-running show, the Simpsons. It's hard not to love a kid who is mostly unaware of his surroundings, his low IQ or the fact that he is the clueless butt of classmates' jokes. And whether Ralph's finger is buried deep in his nose, his gums are bleeding or he just told his father that he "made global warming in his pants," the viewer is always rooting for him even when they are also laughing at him.

Ralphie's all-time greatest, "laugh out loud" comment came after he received his report card. Simply and convincingly, Ralph unknowingly proved his principal's point by exclaiming (click on link), "Me Fail English, That's Unpossible!"

The English language, of course, is always changing. The internet in particular has given life to numerous words never heard before - wiki, tweet, google, wifi - to name only a few. Still other words, spoken from the mouths of babes (children) - YOLO, sick, epic, cray cray, da bomb - come and go. Such words are pure slang and users have no higher agenda than to appear hip and cool (cool, now there's a word that has stood the test of time).

And then there's Ralph Wiggum. Ralph uses words (sometimes correctly) we can all understand. No subterfuge (like using the word subterfuge), no tricks. He only wants to be understood and loved, nothing more. Such as:



 

Clear, simple communication from Ralph. He doesn't pull out all the stops (other than boogers) and say words like game-changer, interface, surreal or blogger. But if he did hear such words he might repeat one of his best lines, "I wanna go back inside my mommy!"

 

Job-specific language in the working world is understandable and necessary. Certain professions need their own vocabulary. The law, engineering, medicine, software development, etc., - these careers demand it. I suppose that is the way of the world. More and more career paths require unique-word knowledge. And that's okay, right?

 

Yes, it's okay. Still, why does it feel like our lingo infatuation has leaked into daily life, or worse, into professions that don't need such verbal specialization but have hopped on the bandwagon nonetheless? Or maybe I'm just a prickly son-of-a-bitch (likely). Either way, here are some words that are just plain silly:

 

1. Narrative - Prose fiction, non-fiction and biographies are narratives. Some poems are narratives. Hell, even a painting can be a narrative! What does narrative mean? A narrative is a story, that's all. Then why am I hearing the word in journalistic circles more and more? "The narrative of the investigation is . . . The narrative of the Boston Marathon bombers is a dark one . . ." Everyone knows what narrators do - they tell stories, not narratives. "C'mon kids, time for bed! Daddy can you tell us a bedtime narrative? I don't think so kids, but I can certainly tell you a story."

 

2. Synergy - Synergy began as nothing more than a scientific term used to explain what happens when two separate elements combine to form something that is greater/more powerful than when the two parts were, well . . . apart. So why am I hearing this word casually thrown around by non-scientific lecturers and guest speakers (who are selling a product, by the way) trying to create some fictional distance between their knowledge and that of their audience? Don't they know that rather than generating interest, the use of synergy (and similar lofty words) creates division and resentment. FYI: 2+2=4 is an example of synergy. Aren't you impressed?

 

3. Tote - Whether it is for the beach, the baby or a ballgame it is just a Bag. Always has been, always will be. Why did the bag need a verbal makeover? Heaven help me if the lady at the grocery ever asks me what kind of tote I want - "paper or plastic" - you may just hear about the narrative on the evening news.

 

4. Hashtag # - I don't even know where to begin. For starters, it's not a hashtag. Hell, # doesn't even have one specific meaning. For my entire life, # meant two completely separate things: # meant pound and number. Has # been designated as the whore of the keyboard? Come one, come all - if you need a key, just see me! Does # have self-esteem problems? Unresolved daddy issues? Hashtag is probably here to stay, or at least as long as Twitter is popular (which means it will be around until Y3K). Sigh.

 

5. Collaborate - At the risk of shooting my professional foot - collaborate is all the rage in education right now (I'm a teacher) and I don't understand why. The last time I checked, collaborate simply means "to work together."  Why is that so hard to say? Heck, the last widespread use of collaborate wasn't even flattering. French collaborators (the French who worked with the Nazis after France's surrender to Germany in WWII) were summarily shot after V-E Day (ladies, if you slept with a German officer you just had your heads shaved). I wonder what my fate will be when educational trends shift elsewhere (as they always do)? Undergo chalkboarding perhaps? But like the French of the early 1940's, education suffers from a massive inferiority complex. And like the French, education has two choices - fight back or dance with the devil. "Excuse me, may I have this waltz."

 

Of course, I have definitely used a snooty word (or ten) in my musings over the past year (like musings for example). Maybe I should be a little more like Ralph Wiggum, less like some prima donna sitting in The Cheap Seats (nah). Still, maybe Ralphie is a secret genuis, his wisdom Gump-like. Say exactly what you mean with words that everyone can understand. Really, who does that? Ah, but how easier life would be.