The F*ck It List

Most of life is spent fulfilling all of our continuous Have To Do's. Have to go to school, have to work, have to pay bills, have to grocery shop, have to clean, have to fix, have to maintain. And on and on and on. Providing for ourselves and others is truly what the Hokey Pokey is all about - almost.

Filling in the gaps between all of our Have To Do's is the occasional "Bucket List" item. A great term, Bucket List, not coined but popularized by the movie of the same name starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. Coincidentally, Morgan Freeman has been called The Voice of God (having played The Big Guy onscreen at least twice), whereas Nicholson is famous for his devilish grin, portraying a scheming and horny Satan in The Witches of Eastwick way back in 1987. But I digress.

I wholeheartedly endorse the idea of making Bucket Lists. We need to create these Want To Do wish lists and work towards experiencing them. If not, then life is nothing more than a monotonous series of Have To Do's. Granted, there is a "what I would do if I won the lottery" sort of quality to some Bucket Lists, but if the desires are reasonable, attainable and can be consistently checked off, life becomes richer with each experience. For the record, my own ultimate Bucket List item is climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.

But - obviously - that's not the kind of list I'm talking about. Instead, I'm referring to those, "Oh, who gives a rat's ass" moments that we all have when our burdens, bills, boxes and bags have piled up too high this week, this month or this year. Thoughts often turn towards more selfish pursuits that fly in the face of our own cultural norms. In a civilized society such as ours, these dreams are rarely spoken of, seldom shared and (almost) never carried out. To do so is to invite scorn and suspicion, even incarceration.

I call it . . . The F*ck It List.

My list is rich and varied. And although most of these items will forever go undone, one (or two) in particular has already been crossed off.

1. Have an FBI file. I want to do something to warrant our government's continuing attention and scrutiny. Something really juicy like, say . . . just spitballing here, but maybe questioning the Bush/Obama Administration's policy regarding the use of military drones as an assassination tool. Hey, whatever works - collateral damage be damned - but how fun would it be to be in the company of Martin Luther King and John Lennon in one fell swoop? Their files were not thin. "Bug away boys, bug away!"

2. Become a whistleblower. The last time I checked, ratting out your employer for their illegal activity is protected by law. Exceptions exist, of course, when a national security threat or interest exists. Then forget it - your ass is grass. Sadly, no industrial or corporate espionage occurs (to my knowledge) in public education, so my whistle will have to remain unblown for now. The jury is still out on the motives of government whistleblower, Edward Snowden, but revelations of the widespread passive surveillance of Americans' cellphones makes me think we can all put a line through #1.

3. Eat 1.5 quarts of ice cream in one sitting. This one does reek of, I just plain give up. But I was young and dumb and in college. No other explanation is really necessary, is it? Challenge accepted. Still, the lingering memory of the disbelieving look on my roommate Jeff's face was almost worth it. I had no short term side effects (or memory for a few weeks after), although dairy and I haven't gotten along well since.

4. Completely let myself go. I'm talking about obesity as both a journey and a destination. Why fight it? The American Medical Association has recently declared obesity a disease for the purpose of creating public awareness and - it hopes - public action. Unfortunately, any cultural changes will likely come from the American Bar Association. In a society that continues to produce ever more attorneys, this is just the sort of "issue" a law firm on retainer can really sink its teeth into. Might as well get a head start now so I can easily qualify as a plaintiff of the inevitable class action suit that is just over the horizon. Two, Four, Six, Eight - Everybody LITITIGATE!

5. Be the subject of an unauthorized biography. You know the kind. A real smear campaign by the author just to sell more copies. A book that lets all the skeletons out of the closet. Juicy details and tawdry gossip. A "Tell All" tale that reveals my penchant for cat juggling, heinous slow and go driving habits and an expired Saved By the Bell fan club membership. Real damning stuff.

6. Chuck it all and live out of my car. Scratch that - buy a beat up old van and crisscross the country for a year, making sure to stay off the interstate where drones and cell towers can't take me out or track my whereabouts. Hold on a sec, sounds more like a Bucket List item . . .

7. Leave my nose hair untrimmed. Really ramp up the gross factor. In fact, disregard personal hygiene for twelve straight months (might be a good idea if I have this coincide with the same year I'm living out of a van) just to see if I can become unrecognizable, even to myself. Perhaps swim in a dirty river or two, but otherwise au naturale. This would probably keep the FBI at bay, or thicken my file back in D.C. Either one would be fine.

8. Start a Blog. I can't think of anything more self-centered and narcissistic than . . . Oh shit.

Let's face it, indulging only the brighter side of our desires is never enough. For all of the "fabulousness" that overwhelms the Facebook pages of well-meaning and good people, admit it - no one's lives are that terrific all the time. So, if you're going to have a Bucket List, you might as well complete the circle and make its alter ego as well. Go on, it's kind of fun - just say "F*ck It!"