I Wonder If My Grandmother Knew

My parents were in town visiting me and my kids this weekend, and to attend a play that my son had a part in. This morning we enjoyed breakfast at Hot Plate in south Minneapolis. During the course of our meal, I asked if four years had already gone by since my grandmother passed away. My dad - her son - said it was, to which my mom commented that she sometimes drives by the retirement complex where my grandmother lived, and still thinks about stopping in to visit her. My grandmother, it seems, although gone awhile now, is still very much alive in our memories.

I was extremely fortunate to have lived over 40 years before I experienced the death of someone I was close to - my grandmother. Consequently, after her death I spent a good deal of time thinking of her; her life, her nature and her impact on me. And now I want to share that with you.

My grandmother's last day was a quiet one. Of the few words she spoke to my parents that afternoon, one phrase stands out - "maybe 94 is enough." She said these words simply, as if she knew her time was coming soon. But I wonder if there were other things about herself that she didn't know?

I wonder if my grandmother knew of the tremendous gifts she possessed? Was she aware of them at all? Gifts that never made her wealthy but enriched all of us - gifts that never brought her notoriety but made us better people for having known her.

I wonder if she knew how welcome she made us feel each time we saw her? Did she realize that her simple, genuine words, "Oh it's so good to see you," humbled us and warmed our hearts at the same time? Did she know that the little things she continually did for us will always remain in our memory of her?

I wonder if she knew her presence made ordinary days special - or that seeing her was the highlight of our day? Did she know that visiting her was never an obligation, but always an honor? Did she have any idea how much her kindness meant to us?

I wonder if she knew that she was our link to a simpler time - a time of generosity, hospitality and grace - an oasis we could return to again and again. Did she know that in the feverish pace that life passes at - she was the cool cloth we applied to our foreheads? Did she know that we never wanted that link broken?

I wonder if she knew that - as the years fell away - we came to realize what a God-send she was in our lives? Did she ever know what a wonderful example of decency and goodness she set for us? My grandmother was of this Earth, but some of her qualities were not. I have never known anyone who so consistently lived a life of grace, civility and warmth.

I sincerely wonder if she ever knew any of this? I wonder because she wore these gifts with such ease. She had no agenda or ulterior motives attached to her kindness. And these were attributes she never worked to acquire - this was simply the person my grandmother Evelyn Bergman was; she was generosity; she was caring; she was grace.

And my grandmother was right - having lived her life this way - for her 94 was enough. But for the rest of us, to have her reassuring presence in our lives, it was still all too short.