The Cheap Seats

You've Come a Long Way, Baby. This iconic advertising slogan, for a cigarette of all things, marketed specifically for women beginning in 1968, is both complimentary and condescending. Deftly crafted at the dawn of the Women's Movement for the tobacco giant Phillip Morris, Virginia Slims capitalized successfully on "women's freedom, emancipation, and empowerment." But just enough of the status quo was retained ("Baby") to remind women who was still on top. An ad campaign worthy of Mad Men 's Don Draper. Now, 45 years later, the slogan seems as archaic as the term "horseless carriage." After all, the revolution women have been waging for suffrage, economic freedom, pay equity, professional fulfillment, equal opportunity under the law and control over their bodies began long before the "Women's Movement" supposedly gained steam in the late 1960's. In truth, the modern Women's Movement in the United States...

My teenage daughter lost her cell phone last December. A minor catastrophe. She had been well connected to her "people" through that magical device. A 48-hour backtrace yielded nothing. School lockers, dance studios, bedrooms, backpacks - nada, zip. But in her loss she also saw an opportunity.   You see, my daughter's lost cell phone had been dumb, not smart (one possible reason it had gone missing). It allowed her to talk and text, nothing more. Time for an upgrade, she thought, rubbing her hands schemingly. Data plan, GPS, voice recognition and apps, apps, apps - in short, an iPhone 5 .   Long story short, the iPhone 5 (or any other smart phone) never materialized and my daughter took the disappointing news, well . . . . poorly (" but all my friends have iPhones !"). Don't get me wrong, she is a grateful, generous and thoughtful teenage girl, but a teenage girl nonetheless.   This series of unfortunate events got m...

The best way to get the attention of the average homo sapien is to wrap something up in a pretty package. In other words, employ good advertising. All of the major holidays have been in on this trick for decades.                Christmas - greens and reds, Santas and trees                Thanksgiving - browns and oranges, turkeys and stuffing                Halloween - blacks and oranges, tricks and treats                Easter - pastels and lilies, bunnies and eggs                St. Patrick's Day - green beer and even greener vomit Advertisers are brilliant. They have been wise to our love of symbolis...

Twas the day of the Super Bowl, when all through the place, Everyone was scurrying, at a crazy nuts pace! All the banners were hung in the TV room just right, Each one the perfect color, each one the precise height.   Extra chairs were brought in by the children quite warily, After orders from Dad (still sober), but just barely. He had started rather early - and by kickoff, who knows? If history is any judge . . .well . . . anything goes. But for now he is composed and under control, And hasn't pissed off Mom (talk about digging a hole!). She is in the kitchen cooking, which to her is just fine, Immersed in sauces and wings, and a box of red wine. But the stain on the breast of her new 49ers gear, Has got her fit to be tied, and a pain in his rear. "I told you to change after you were all done a slavin'," Yelled Dad, who fancied himself a Baltimore Raven. A long day ahead," thought sister and brot...

A year ago this month I kicked off The Cheap Seats with a post about my first fake heart attack . The story centered around a visit to the emergency room late one night in July 2011 after I had experienced all of the classic symptoms of an impending heart attack. Before leaving for the hospital, however, I did something many other Americans do who also have high-deductible health insurance plans; I weighed the potential risks of not going to the ER against the cost (in dollars) of doing the smart thing - see a doctor. In hindsight a dangerous gamble, but at the time I hemmed and hawwed for a couple of hours before making the ten minute drive. But it was two emergency room visits this past week that reaffirmed for me the awful predicament many families across America also find themselves in - the Crisis of Cost vs. Care. Wednesday evening: I picked up my daughter from dance practice and headed home to make dinner. We weren't settled in for more tha...

Performance-enhancing drugs (PED's): As dangerous to the fabric of American sports culture in the early 21st century as Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley were to our sexually ignorant culture of the mid-20th century. The common denominator was parental fear. Mom and Dad worried that when their precious Jane or Judy saw one thrust of Elvis' hips it would be Game On . Likewise, Biff and Chet realized what their hips were for after gazing at the gooey deliciousness of Norma Jean. Goodbye .   Fast forward to our insane, sports-crazed culture of the new millennium. Like bowling pins, one "hero" after another has been knocked down. These heroes inevitably fall victim to their own narcissism, uber-competitive zeal, insecurity, child-like need for adulation and endless pursuit of an even bigger payday or endorsement deal. And for some unfathomable reason we love them. We love them with a wholly disproportionate passion right up until the moment when they offer an obligator...

Someone I once knew used the expression, " I Hear Your Words ." Suffice it to say these fourteen letters did not come together to form a term of endearment. Instead, the message being clearly conveyed was, "I heard what you said; the words registered in my brain; I couldn't disagree more; you are a bastard." The unintended effect of " I Hear Your Words ", however, was to drive me nearly crazy. I am - after all - a guy. And if most guys are basically like me (which I think they are), they enjoy being right. But not only do men enjoy being right, men like others to acknowledge this to us ("yes, I guess you're right.") Whew, makes me want a cigarette . . . Yes, I know - a bastard. This recent stroll (stumble really) down memory lane reaffirmed a basic fact that took me years to understand and accept. Men and women - on many key points - will never truly "get" each other. Oh sure, we can love each other, give serial monogamy ...