Legalize Cheating

Performance-enhancing drugs (PED's): As dangerous to the fabric of American sports culture in the early 21st century as Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley were to our sexually ignorant culture of the mid-20th century. The common denominator was parental fear. Mom and Dad worried that when their precious Jane or Judy saw one thrust of Elvis' hips it would be Game On. Likewise, Biff and Chet realized what their hips were for after gazing at the gooey deliciousness of Norma Jean. Goodbye.

 Fast forward to our insane, sports-crazed culture of the new millennium. Like bowling pins, one "hero" after another has been knocked down. These heroes inevitably fall victim to their own narcissism, uber-competitive zeal, insecurity, child-like need for adulation and endless pursuit of an even bigger payday or endorsement deal. And for some unfathomable reason we love them. We love them with a wholly disproportionate passion right up until the moment when they offer an obligatory, tearful non-apology apology to their adoring fans ("I'm sorry if my actions offended anyone" or "I was only trying to recover from injury"). Confession complete, they slip back into their chauffeur-driven Lincoln Towncar, the road to redemption dead ahead.

And like Mom and Dad's concern that bras would go flying every time Elvis got "All Shook Up", parents now worry that PED use will trickle down to collegiate and high school sports. Sorry folks, but that ship left port at least a decade ago, probably two. High schools, like college, have evolved into proving grounds for athletes (and their fathers) eyeing scholarships and signing bonuses. Prodigies barely in their teens are already on the radar screens of major-college athletic programs. Dads nationwide are busy filming Kyle, Cam and Connor shooting 3's, sacking QB's, throwing fastballs in the low 90's. Upload it all to a professionally-prepared dvd and a competitive edge has been gained. Why not take that advantage one step further?

So - to all the present hand-wringing I say - "Why Fight It?"

Let’s throw the doors wide-open to athletes at all levels. If Tom, Tim and Tevin want to be the “best they can be”, who am I or anyone else to say No? Hey, it’s a dog-eat-dog world and only the weakest among us is wearing Milkbone underwear. Besides, if sports fans everywhere were being completely honest with themselves, we would have to acknowledge that we love the gaudy statistics athletes compile, the records they break and the freak-like size they achieve as a result of the endless injections they administer.

And imagine the TV ratings?! No time would be too fast, no distance too far, no catch out of reach. Each and every night fans (short for fanatics – seriously) would be treated to an array of mutants, maulings and meteoric masterpieces. In fact, here are the kind of performances and rule changes I'd like to see:

 

1. Track & Field - By juicing up, we might see the elusive five-second barrier broken in the 100 meter dash. But that wouldn't be nearly enough; to make the event even more exciting the starter's pistol can be loaded with real bullets. And since all of the sprinters will be ridiculously fast, the starter will be allowed to try to shoot them as they fly down the straightaway. But only a six-shooter (allowing the potential for at least two finishers) - no automatic weapons allowed. Gun control measures will be enforced.

 

2. Major League Baseball - To increase the element of danger into a newly (renewed, really) steroidal professional baseball, "aluminum" bats (balls fly much faster off of them) will be allowed. This will level the playing field between pitcher and hitter - and act as a preventative measure to a pitcher who is encouraged to throw at an "armed" batter. But consequently, all fielders will be required wear Kevlar between the waist and the knees, with an extra layer around the crotch. No games will be allowed to go beyond nine innings. All ties will go to the team with the player whose cap size grew the largest between the first and ninth innings. Rosters will have to be expanded however, to make room for this new HGH-DH (human growth hormone designated hatter).

 

3. National Basketball Association - Most of these guys are already mutants, standing well over six feet tall, with crazy wingspans, hand sizes and shoe lengths. And even though the NBA has never faced a PED scandal, I'm not satisfied with the current dimensions of a basketball court. I suggest the rim be raised to 12 feet and the 3-point line be moved to halfcourt (I really just want to nullify the damn gimmick shot and re-introduce big men into the game). But, either way, PED legalization will derail the inevitability of such a crisis in professional basketball. Don't worry, it's coming.

 

4. National Football League - No changes necessary here; players have been using steroids since the 1960's. If you are looking for proof, ask Lyle Alzado. He has resided at River View Cemetery in Portland, Oregon since 1992 after succumbing to brain cancer that he directly attributed to his unabated steroid use througout a 15-year NFL career. But, just in case that isn't proof enough, I suggest outlawing all equipment. Like hockey, don't fans really want to see some major head trauma and compound fractures anyway? I know I do.

 

Lance, you gave an overadoring public its final wakeup call. You really didn't need to (fake) apologize to us. And admit your guilt? What guilt? We should be thanking you for opening our eyes once and for all. Sports was quietly (but blatantly) corrupt for decades. You simply threw the curtains aside and have allowed us to adjust our eyes to the searing sunlight of unrestrained self-interest and greed.

 

Still, full disclosure such as Mr. Armstrong's leaves me a little wistful for the time when a worshipful media was in on the lie - even creating a backstory for Babe Ruth's "bellyache heard round the world" in 1925. Sportswriters said the Bambino's stomach pains were due to consuming too many hot dogs and soda pops. Fat chance - the Babe sat out 1/3 of the baseball season because of an old-fashioned bout with syphilis. Still, the myth remains.

 

Ah, the good old days . . .