Valentines Sweethearts

The best way to get the attention of the average homo sapien is to wrap something up in a pretty package. In other words, employ good advertising. All of the major holidays have been in on this trick for decades.

               Christmas - greens and reds, Santas and trees

               Thanksgiving - browns and oranges, turkeys and stuffing

               Halloween - blacks and oranges, tricks and treats

               Easter - pastels and lilies, bunnies and eggs

               St. Patrick's Day - green beer and even greener vomit

Advertisers are brilliant. They have been wise to our love of symbolism since Neanderthals carved the first wheel out of stone and painted the first drawing on cave walls. We are a visual people - then and now. And though amorous thoughts spring from our minds; poets, artists, writers and advertisers have always linked the human heart (which in reality looks pretty disgusting) to our most romantic holiday.

Shortly upon us is that well-known holiday - Valentine's Day. Instant images that come to mind include reds and pinks, flowers and hearts, condoms and Cupid. Despite the modern excesses, the gift-giving nature of Valentine's Day has actually been around since the 1400's, when "lovers" first began exchanging flowers, confections and cards. Legend states that by the 1550's Hallmark stores were as common in Paris as Starbucks are in Seattle.

When I was a kid Valentine's Day was a stressful time, especially in elementary school. Back in the mid-70's public schools still openly celebrated all major holidays. Valentine's Day was no different. I can still vaguely recall going with my mom to Target or more likely Pamida (remember those!) to carefully select the classroom set of Valentine's cards I would hand out. The set chosen had to contain just the right amount of generic, joking and genuine cards to give to my buddies (joking), classmates (generic) and girls (genuine). Granted, very, very few girls got anything more than a non-commital Valentine's card from me (girls, you scared me). Rarely would I muster up the courage to give more than one or two meaningful cards out. "Bock, bock." A lousy chicken impression but you get the picture.

Instead, the best part of Valentine's Day for a pre-teen kid was the candy. And if you're like me, the most memorable candies were those box of colorful, sugary hearts that contained sayings that were right out of the childhood game, "Truth or Dare". These "sweethearts" were - and still are - made by the New England Confectionary Company, or Necco. Like any successful business, Necco has adapted to modern American phraseology by updating their brand. So, besides the classic quotes still found on sweethearts, Necco has also stamped their candies with such modern lingo as "text me", "friend me" and "lol", to name a few. Still, I can't help but be concerned that Necco has fallen behind our constantly changing culture. To that end, I have included additional quotes (all innuendo implied, of course) that Necco may want to consider for next year's sweethearts:

1. Ur Trending -  I would have loved giving a girl this one. I'm not making a strong statement here. I'm just indicating that you are currently somewhat popular, you are the subject of some conversation, but at any moment you may be replaced by some other "flavor of the moment". This is the perfect sweetheart for that eight-year old boy on the go. And by "go", I mean gone!

2. "Like" This! - A tad bit aggressive, I realize. Still, it's got just the right amount of testosterone and testies to tantalize that girl you're hoping to have your first kiss with - or second. Okay, third.

3. Ur Streamy - This is a 21st century update of the sweetheart classic, "You're Dreamy", for the You Tube Generation. Necco retired You're Dreamy after researchers at Johns Hopkins discovered that the gene responsible for imagination and thus, dreaming, has been dormant in all American children born after February 14, 2005, which coincidentally is the same date that You Tube, the streaming king, was founded (no joke, You Tube was actually founded on Valentine's Day - look it up).

Necco, not resting on their laurels, has also been producing adult-themed sweethearts, but with mixed results. Naturally, I have a few ideas for them with this particular target market:

1. Wanna Sync Playlists? - This quote may be pushing the character limit a sweetheart can display but Necco does make larger sweethearts for just such an occasion. And since mixed tapes are a thing of the past (sigh), this one has enough innuendo to keep the recipient guessing right up til that first "sync".

2. Be My PayPal - These custom sweethearts are sold only in Nevada - specifically Clark County - whose largest city happens to be Las Vegas. Like many other items handed out to pedestrians on random streetcorners on the Vegas Strip (you know what I'm talking about), Be My PayPal implies a cash transaction up front.

3. Check Out My "Post" - Too blue? Yeah, I thought so as well, but Necco reports that guys have been buying these by the case. Thankfully, Necco has generously offered parallel "groin insurance" with every bulk purchase of Check Out My "Post" for the inevitable knees received in the process. Comprehensive coverage extra.

4. Don't Let the Terrorists Win - Unfortunately, Necco won't discontinue this one, despite dismal sales (and unfortunate inaccuracies) dating back to early 2002. Rumors of the ownership's attempt to relocate the factory to Guantanamo Bay and employ detainees being held there failed, resulting in the shareholders' decision to stick it to bin Laden anyway they could. Necco -1, Al-Qaeda - 0. On the bright side, with the Westminster Dog Show coming up this Valentine's Day weekend, Necco's canine partisanship (if not their patriotism) is crystal clear.

So, gentlemen and ladies, as Valentine's Day preparations draw near, just a few simple words of advice.

Happy Valentine's Day!

 

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