First World Problems

My teenage daughter lost her cell phone last December. A minor catastrophe. She had been well connected to her "people" through that magical device. A 48-hour backtrace yielded nothing. School lockers, dance studios, bedrooms, backpacks - nada, zip. But in her loss she also saw an opportunity.

 

You see, my daughter's lost cell phone had been dumb, not smart (one possible reason it had gone missing). It allowed her to talk and text, nothing more. Time for an upgrade, she thought, rubbing her hands schemingly. Data plan, GPS, voice recognition and apps, apps, apps - in short, an iPhone 5.

 

Long story short, the iPhone 5 (or any other smart phone) never materialized and my daughter took the disappointing news, well . . . . poorly ("but all my friends have iPhones!"). Don't get me wrong, she is a grateful, generous and thoughtful teenage girl, but a teenage girl nonetheless.

 

This series of unfortunate events got me thinking about other 21st century dilemmas which have earned the fantastic new title, "First World Problems". Unlike trendy (but eventually played out) terms such as game-changer, woot woot, boots on the ground (conveniently forgetting the men and women who fill them) and shovel-ready - "First World Problems" has legs. I predict this phrase will continue to grow in its use, popularity and relevance as our culture grows ever more "indulgent".

 

As you know, we live in the First World. Other countries like ours are also industrialized. They have an aging, but serviceable infrastructure (roads, bridges, sewage and modern communication connections intact). First World economies not only meet the needs of their citizens, but their wants as well. And though manufacturing is largely non-existent in the First World, (multi-national companies having relocated to the Third World more than a generation ago), a consumer culture thrives, whether the populations can afford their consumption or not. And governments in the First World operate at all levels of society - local, state and national - financially overextending themselves to achieve two unrealistic, but competing goals; make everyone happy and perpetually re-elect themselves.

 

Naturally, the Third World lacks most of the luxuries we take for granted from the moment of our birth - safe drinking water, enough food to eat on a daily basis, minimal health care, the opportunity to receive an education and peaceful transitions of governmental power (i.e. brutal revolutions in which the general populations alway seem to be on the receiving end of the violence). It's all about real estate, folks. Location, location, location. Look at a map and you will find much of the world's misery lies from 20 degrees north latitude and below.

 

I imagine that might be one of the reasons many Third World countries love and loath the First World in equal amounts. In many respects, the premier First World country (the USA) is an accident of geography. Yes, we have always been an innovative and determined people, but having a mild climate for planting and two oceans protecting us hasn't hurt either. Such assets are the reason for our enduring stability, not the result. No wonder so many "huddled masses" have sought refuge here.

 

Still, I am sure First World countries - and their problems - irritate the Third World. "Oh, to have such dilemmas," Third Worlders certainly mutter. Their irritation, like our First World Problems, knows no limits. For your enjoyment and scorn, I have listed a few below. The ones with asterisks are FWP's I have personally encountered.

 

          Technology-related FWP's

• Poor cell phone reception* - I swear I am in a bubble with a 100 foot diameter wherever I go, dropping my calls right and left.
• Deciding whether to buy a Mac or a PC* - a relevant, yet equally absurd problem. How can it be both at the same time. Yet it is.
• Dish or cable - according to either provider, the fate of your domestic life may well depend on it.
• Cyberbullying - Yes, a serious problem in First World countries, but not a blip on the radar of the people of Sudan, Central African Republic or Chad.

          Cultural-related FWP's

• Black Friday* - Should I go to the stores at midnight and get some great deals?!
• Paper or plastic* - This is the latest dilemma at the grocery store, which followed the outrage that employees would no longer bag items. Whaddya mean "bag it yourself? Is this not America?"
• Should I open up a line of credit to get those new boobs I've wanted for five years? - To quote a tired phrase ladies, "Really . . . really?" Yes, yes, of course we like the results. Hypocrite? Duh!
• "Honey, we're out of Sumatran Extra Bold K-Cups for the Keurig Coffee System" - Far and away the number one reason foreigners chant, "Death to America!"
• Your new car doesn't have heated seats (or a heated steering wheel for that matter) - Does it get any more First World than this?
• Voting - Foreign citizens see almost no difference in our ballot choices but our mass media makes us think the fate of the Republic hangs in the balance.

          Personal FWP's

• Coffee Creamers* - I actually get sad when I have to settle for french vanilla Coffeemate because the store is out of creme brulee flavoring. Utterly, completely pathetic.
• Prescription sunglasses* - I'm still in mourning after losing a pair of Ray-Ban prescription sunglasses two months ago. After re-reading the last sentence, the only word that comes to mind is Douche.
• Getting "likes" for my new Cheap Seats facebook page* - Am I that insecure, really? A familiar "D" word comes to mind.
• What to write about every week* - Every person who can't, should be given the time to pursue their dreams and creations. What a world it might be if they could!

On the bright side, more and more countries have joined the ranks of the First World and achieved the lesser status of "developing" nations since World War II. And their seems to be no end to this trend. If these countries are lucky enough to continue their economic growth they too might someday grapple with the same life and death problems that we face each and every day.

 

Dare to dream.