Or Would You Rather Be a Chimp?

I don't sleep straight through the night anymore - probably going on five years now. Two things are to blame and both are highly irritating. The first answers to the name "Stelllllla!" and has been with me since the fall of 2010. This feline's circadian rhythms are locked into an early morning wakeup and feeding (click here for a summary of this darn cat). Regardless of how late her previous evening's meal was, I can always expect a tap on the shoulder a few hours before my alarm is schedule to buzz.

The second is the sad result of aging. Yes, I'm referring to the lovely little prostate. This golf ball sized bugger (formerly walnut-sized) presses on the middle-aged male bladder and causes two things: frequent urination and low water pressure. For instance - a guy my age will hit the public bathroom immediately after walking out of a theatre thrilled he actually made it straight through to the closing credits. As we stand at the trough waiting . . . and waiting - two, sometimes three new faces will come and go adjacent to us. Discouraging. Yes, gone are the days of the strong stream. Ladies, why do you think the toilet is so gross? Our aim is fine - hell, when we were in our 20's and 30's we could hit a Cheerio in the crapper from ten paces away (and frequently made the attempt). Any errant stains were really the result of us just showing off. The next closest thing to owning a gun.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, lack of sleep. If you're like me, a pre-dawn wakeup often jumpstarts the brain - making further dozing doubtful. This is usually when really good blogpost topics come to me. Or at least I think they're good. By the time I'm fully conscious I say to myself, "That was a terrible idea." For example, one early morning last week I began pondering the nature of gas. Not diesel, propane or ethanol - but human gas (whatever form that takes - probably methane).

In my 4:00am fog, I was certain that a story about the human fart would result in a blogpost for the ages - go viral, be read and shared by tens of thousands of people leading to my appearances on Good Morning America, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (probably do a History of Farts with Jimmy - parts I, II and III), maybe a mention on Bill Maher's HBO program Real Time.

Brushing my teeth two hours later, the fart story didn't seem so funny. In fact, whatever had amused me earlier was gone. I disregarded the idea after concluding that the fart itself is what's funny. it doesn't need to be explored in any detail whatsoever. Am I right? Or have you already clicked away in disgust?

Another idea emerged this morning after my thoughts were invaded by a song that had no earthly reason for being in my brain - Swing on a Star. This song breezily states, we are lucky to be human - that animals (mules, pigs, fish, monkeys) can only be what they are, whereas we have the capacity to be greater than the sum of our parts.

Then the oddest thing happened. The Fart and Swing on a Star merged. A blogpost mash-up.

No, we aren't the mule, pig, fish or monkey of the Sinatra song. I doubt they consider who is in the vicinity when they pass gas. Mr. Chimp isn't worried he'll get smacked on the shoulder by Mrs. Chimp after he has pulled the covers over her head and let out a really smelly one. I just don't see that happening. No doubt she will sniff deeply with her broad, flat nose and do nothing more than shake her head and roll her eyes before returning to the business of survival.

If those lesser species in the Animal Kingdom don't have to stress over the shame and humiliation of being exposed as the one who dealt it, think of what else they are freed from worrying about. Such as:

1. Whether to join Twitter or not. Should I, shouldn't I? Everyone seems to be tweeting but me. Deer never have to peck out with their clumsy hooves #bewareblazeorange. They just take their chances.

2. Stopping themselves from writing a snarky comment on someone's Facebook post. There is not a panda in the world who has viewed another panda's posting of a picture of its food. Bamboo again?! That's all any of us eat. Why is Shirley constantly posting pictures of her food? Stop it Shirley - we don't care!! It's just food!

3. Including just the right amount of self-deprecation, humor and confidence in an online dating profile. Silverback gorillas don't fret over such nonsense. They just kick the shit out of their younger rivals, mate lazily with a few females, then return to lying around being observed by Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall. Easy peazy.

4. Learning how to use PowerPoint or Prezi. No scenario ever looked like the following - Now honey, you need to listen carefully. Focus. This presentation, complete with embedded pictures AND video, will clearly but briefly outline how it is absolutely necessary that you begin to walk and run no more than ten minutes after your birth. After ten minutes I cannot guarantee your safety - I also can't promise you that the very large cat lurking in the grass right over there - don't look baby -  that she won't feast on your flesh after crushing your carotid artery. Now hang on - I need to find your father, I'm not exactly sure how to advance to the second slide. Stupid zebra.

5. Being misunderstood in an email. No baboon ever labors over a computer keyboard, reading and re-reading his or her words, trying to strike just the right tone. And certainly the same baboon is never shocked when the intention of an email is completely misread. Nope. If a baboon wants to state its case, he or she just reaches back, grabs a handful, and flings its own feces. Message clearly received. We do it figuratively. They do it literally. Who evolved from whom?

6. Self-pity. Our beloved dogs just want to be loved and are unafraid and unashamed to ask for it. They are completely transparent and vulnerable. That is their nature. They don't bother with who wronged them in the past and how deeply. They don't lick emotional wounds, just real ones. Canine hearts are wide open, tails wagging. Feed me, rub me, walk with me. Be with me. Smart animal.

I guess that's why we humans make everything harder than it needs to be. We are always striving, looking ahead, rarely content. Worried about this, worried about that. Our cursed nature - trying to carry moonbeams home in a jar.

Or would you rather be a chimp?