The Superbly Supple S Word

Memory is an odd thing. Why some of the most trivial slices of life are easily recalled is an enduring mystery. Is their lingering presence secretly important or simply background noise filling the spaces between the searing and striking moments that ultimately matter most?

For example, I clearly remember two instances from early childhood when I was consciously profane; one non-verbal, the other loud and clear.

The first occurred on a harsh winter day - back when snowfall and low temps were an invitation to go outside, not vice versa. I was six or seven years old. After tossing a hard-edged neighbor girl from a snow bank, she aimed a middle finger in my direction. Not yet aware of the meaning, I was unfazed. She educated me. Huh, news to me. Really? No  way. Still, I was doubtful, though her explanation didn't sound like good news. So I put this revelation to the test. The proving ground was home.

Throughout my childhood my dad was a music lover. Simon & Garfunkel, Neil Diamond, John Denver, Fleetwood Mac. Something always seemed to be on the turntable. That cold winter afternoon was no exception. I quickly realized it was the perfect opportunity to debunk my neighbor's claim that her middle finger was much more than it appeared.

After struggling out of my snowsuit I asked my dad if I could put on a record. Moments after the song started I began mimicking the actions of an orchestra conductor. But instead of using a pencil or stick as the baton leading a group of imaginary musicians, I used both middle fingers. After a quick sideways glance at my dad, my doubts evaporated. His shocked glare is still vivid 40 years later. I continued to conduct with extra gusto just to be sure. Yup - 100% certainty. An early introduction to the F-word.

The second "cursed" memory occurred in 3rd grade. The time of year is hazy, the details blank. The only thing I remember was that at some point near the end of recess I swore loudly. I was surrounded by friends but don't recall my shout shocking anyone. Obviously not my first rodeo.

If you're even remotely like me you swear more than you should. I view swearing as a failure of sorts - like going to war - all diplomatic efforts have failed and violence is the last resort. Lock and load. Let the bombs (F and otherwise) fly.

Now before I take this analogy any further (and I shouldn't), can we agree that some curse words are satisfying to say? I think so. Yes, I'm talking about that Big Kahuna of Naughties. Thankfully, uttering it is immediately followed by a vague, persistent shame. A Jiminy Cricket of sorts whispering, Now was that really necessary?

No, Jiminy - probably not. It's an ugly word. And not only ugly, but devoid of meaning. Try it. Aside from its obvious intent, the word is empty, which makes it so (unfortunately) useful. But this is not a shaming lecture - that would be hypocritical. This is a celebration of that other versatile word which probably pre-dates human speech. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you . . . .

Shit [shit]

In contrast to its ugly stepsister, shit is loaded with meaning. Oh sure, it is occasionally a useless add-on, but most of the time shit is no accident. It was hand-selected to express a specific emotion. For instance. . .

Used as a Noun

1 - a lack of caring or interest. Example: I don't give a shit. Expressing additional disinterest for emphasis: I couldn't give two shits. A heaping on, as it were.

2 - an outward lack of caring which hides deep disgust. Example: Oh, you don't think it's fair you're going to jail after your third DUI? Tough shit.

3 - an indicator of the severity of the current weather conditions. Examples: It's as cold as shit today. It is hotter than shit outside. Conclusive studies have shown that exiting excrement is 98.6˚ - quite hot - but immediately undergoes a cooling process.

4 - a loss of composure. Examples: After coming home to a filthy house for the third day in a row, Mom completely lost her shit. Or . . . The man threw a shit-fit after the gallon of paint spilled all over the new carpet.

5 - a fiasco, a poorly planned or executed venture. Example: The American government's intervention in Vietnam was a shitshow.

6 - a mess created due to lack of attention. Example: The teenager's bedroom was a shithole.

7 - a controversy. Example: The ridiculously high rate of sexual assault against female soldiers has created a shit-storm for the US military.

8 - an event or occurrence, usually unintentional or accidental. Example: Never text drunk. Shit happens.

9 - useless, lazy, a waste. Example: Seriously, how many days in a row are you going to sit in the basement playing Grand Theft Auto V? What a lump of shit.

Used as an Adjective

10 - unkind, mean, lousy, mediocre. Examples: That was a shitty thing to do. He did a shitty job. You are a shitty person.

11 - great, awesome, the best. Examples: Did you see that dunk? Lebron is The Shit! Or . . . Jennifer, this report on the Urban Sustainability of Hipsters in Captivity is thoughtful and concise. You, my dear lady, are indeed The Shit. Capitalization of each word is optional but preferred, as it indicates excellence.

Used as an Interjection

12 - emphasizing a point. Example: Shit yeah! Superman could destroy Batman in a fight! Or . . . Shit no! Thor doesn't stand a chance against The Hulk!

13 - oh my gosh, wow. Example: Holy shit! Did you see Superman kick the crap out of Batman?

Used as an adverb

14 - obviously. Example: Did you know the greatest superhero is Superman? Duh. No shit, Sherlock.

15 - questioningly. Example: Did you know that JFK was wearing a back brace when he was assassinated, preventing him from quickly laying down after the first bullet struck him. Really? No shit?

A final trivial, but related memory occurred during my freshmen year of college - a year loaded with forget-me-nots. I was in a public bathroom right before attending a morning political science class. The charismatic and bombastic professor stepped up to the urinal right next to mine (completely ignoring the buffer urinal rule). To make matters worse he thought that was a good time to start a conversation (breaking the no talking at the urinals rule). He looked over at me (breaking the no eye contact at the urinals rule) and said . . .

"You know, there are three great things in life. The first is making love to a beautiful woman. Am I right?" Having very limited experience, I heartily agreed (shit yeah!). "Second, enjoying a thick piece of steak with a well-aged bourbon."  Hiding the fact that I had no idea what bourbon was, I said something ridiculous like, Absolutely, that's The Shit! "Lastly," he said, "and this is important. Are you listening?" I said I was. "It's taking a shit that you've been saving for about three days. Is there anything better?" Dumbfounded, I said that there probably wasn't. And with that he grinned widely, zipped up, slapped me on the back (sans hand-washing) and said, "See ya in there kid."

Yes, a very versatile word. No shit.