'Twas the Week Before Christmas

'Twas the week before Christmas way, way up North,

all the elves pulling double shifts 'til December 24th.

Santa Claus announced, "No days off or you're all dead meat!"

"He's a goddamn slavedriver!" the Head Elf did tweet.

The kids' demands were spelled out loud - very clear,

and would certainly destroy elf morale late this year.

So Santa shut down the line and called a quick meeting. 

"Oh great - a pep talk," the Head Elf was seen tweeting.

"Boys, don't think I'm not aware of how hard you all work,

or as late December gets closer I turn into a big jerk."

"Does this mean," the top elf wondered, "that he's starting to get it?

Maybe I should be recording this and upload it to Reddit."

But Santa droned on, talking about teamwork and pride,

"It's all about the kids - but hey, look on the bright side.

In a few weeks you'll be on vacation and out of this jam,
busy Snapchatting, tagging and posting on Instagram."

 

"But for now STOP complaining," St. Nick barked with finality.

"Back to work, unless you want to see a little workplace brutality."

But the elves refused to budge, they booed and they hissed,

"No chance," they shouted, "can't you see we're all pretty pissed?!"

"Bathroom Breaks! Lunch Hours! Cost-of-Living Raises and Healthcare!

Casual Fridays! Maybe Donuts! Jesus, don't you care about our welfare?!"

The elves' heels were dug into their curly little boots,
"We're bargaining together to resolve all our labor disputes!"

As cigar smoke encircled Father Christmas' head like a wreath,
 he choked and he gasped, spitting out his false teeth.

"Mew man't moo mat!" Santa spewed, sounding a bit like a mumbler.

"Wanna bet?" was the reply. "We're posting this whole thing to Tumblr."

Quickly placards and posters were fashioned, then displayed,
picket lines were manned, all the elves were arrayed.

The Head Elf shouted, "Kringle needs to know we have nothing to lose,

so in ten minutes we are live on NPN." (North Pole News)

The old man angrily watched the clip later that night,
on the fairly reputable Huffington Post website.

His eyes -- how they burned! His dimples how creased!

"They want to break me," he thought. "I'm gonna be fleeced!"

But he wasn't through yet, Mr. Claus had a plan.
"I'll use the reindeer to scare them - any way that they can."

Seeing this ruthless tactic, the Head Elf blew his lid,
"Are you nuts Pere Noel, isn't Rudolph a bit rabid?"

So the two sides squared off, one against the other,

ready to gouge, punch and kick - slap fight and smother. 
"What have I done, this is madness!" cried Babbo Natale.
"My elves and my deer are fighting like thugs in an alley."

Then he spoke not a word, as understanding now dawned,
that these people - his elves - had an unbreakable bond.

"If they are willing to risk all," Kris thought, "to be heard and respected,

then it is clear to me now their rights have been neglected."

"Friends, I admire you, What do you say - a clean slate?"

"What of our demands," the elves asked, "do you freely capitulate?"

Santa did, and gladly, on each request he would agree,
after remembering every elf was just like family.

 

So with the strike now settled, the work stoppage averted,

conciliatory interviews were granted, the news media alerted.

"I ignored their dignity," Mr. Claus said, directly quoted.

"They were doing their best, while my ego got bloated."

So with ten days until Go Time, peace returned to the Pole,

Santa Claus focused, reviewing the Naughty/Nice scroll.
And the elves? Quite content - having returned to their stations,
but now looking forward to an extra three weeks vacation.