Resolutions Real and Ridiculous

If you have read any of my posts over the past two years, you've probably reached one conclusion - this guy loves lists. Other than the occasional poem about angry Santas or life-sustaining coffee, most weekly entries have included semi-serious and silly itemizations of everything from the perks of singledom to 80's songs to personal turn-ons (not as titillating as it sounds). So naturally, I have been anxiously awaiting January - that traditional time on the calendar for the creation of the ultimate list: New Year's Resolutions.

 

In my opinion, the best definition of resolution is firm determination, which is ironic since most New Year's resolutions are neither firm nor determined. But in recent years, a good friend has reignited my interest in creating New Year's resolutions. Wisely, she creates an annual Vision Board - a physical reminder she can view often, urging her on to meet personal, financial or material goals for the coming year.

 

Unlike her however, my visions contain more failure than fruition. And that's fine. Uninterrupted success would probably get old after while anyway, wouldn't it? Nonetheless, I keep trying and this New Year will be no different. Not all of my resolutions are attainable, firm or determined - but most of them are fun - for instance:

 

1. Quit coffee, quit sugar, eat healthier. I just figured I should put the completely impossible resolutions on paper immediately. Laugh about them, disregard them, move on - all before January 1st.

 

2. Touch my toes. No joke - this is a real goal. Touch my toes for ten consecutive seconds. Currently, I am about five inches shy. With gains of maybe half an inch a month, I should be celebrating by next October. Thankfully, I can actually see my toes from a standing position so I figure that is a huge plus in my favor.

 

3. Neither offer nor accept any high-fives or fist bumps. I am determined to leave people hanging all year long.

 

4. Swear less, but use GD much, much more. This is my White Whale. I'm not a terrible potty mouth but have developed a reputation in the workplace as a person who can drop a well-timed shit or ass (not the best habit if teaching is your profession). IF GD doesn't resonate, I'll switch to frack - ala Battlestar Galactica - which has a nice pop to it. 

 

5. Take a selfie. Selfie was named 2013 Word of the Year by Oxford Dictionaries so who am I to say no? Might put this one off until next December.

 

6. Stop saying Just sayin'. I don't take this one out too much but from now on I will not emphasize what I just said by uttering just sayin'. Instead, I will say the word period after every statement I make. Period. Just sayin'. Period.

 

7. Never again drink orange juice after brushing my teeth. Seriously, why isn't this a well-publicized public health concern. Gross! And if you don't believe me I challenge you to try it right now. You're welcome.

 

8. Be less snarky, but more smarmy - or less smarmy but more snarky. Smarmy means "ingratiating and wheedling in a way that is perceived as insincere or excessive," while snarky means "sarcastic, impertinent, or irreverent in tone or manner." I got this . . .

 

9. Say terlet and/or biffy instead of bathroom. My grandparents used these antique terms rather than say toilet or bathroom. And I giggled every single time. Try it - you won't be able to contain yourself. Who wouldn't want a free laugh now and then?

 

10. Lobby Mark Zuckerberg to add a Dislike feature to Facebook. I feel almost guilty when I like a post that is regarding some friend's horrific news or personal tragedy. On the flipside, disliking some of the crapola on FB would be deeply satisfying. Ditch the hoodies and get on that Zuck!

 

11. Buy more than $150 worth of groceries at one time. Folks, it's been years (five to be exact). Maybe this summer. Maybe not.

 

12. Become a Hipster. My age is a roadblock, but I can grow a beard in three days (unfortunately, it has started to come in gray). I say meh a lot, so that's a plus. Also, I haven't shot a gun since I was a teenager, and leave all car repairs to the experts. Outwardly, I am smarmy (or snarky) and take almost nothing seriously. I drank PBR when I was a kid. Good God, I am a hipster!!

 

13. Shoot a gun at something moving. I killed a gopher with a whiffle ball when I was five years old. Hell of a throw, really. From 30 feet away I drilled it right in the noggin. Blood oozed from each ear. We had a nice burial for it though. And I stepped on a squirrel in Loring Park as I was out for a run one afternoon in the 90's. It squeaked a little as my weight pressed into it but I doubt it died. Happened right after a hipster asked me for a cigarette. Dude, I'm running - does I look like I smoke?

 

14. Publicly utter something deeply insensitive and offensive - get fired for it - then watch as people come to my defense, proclaiming my free speech rights inalienable - completely missing the point that there are consequences to one's actions and words - that an employer is entirely within its rights to monitor and censor offensive public statements made by its employees (regardless of how endearing the employee's completely staged antics may be), as they may negatively reflect on an image the employer is trying to cultivate and protect.

 

And I've said too much - but then again, I do have freedom of speech. Just sayin'. Dammit! Failed already. Period.