More 80's Songs Re-Titled

Songs and song titles naturally reflect the eras in which they were recorded and performed. Chattanooga Choo-Choo is pure cornball to the modern ear, but in the pre-war America of 1941, it was at the top of the charts. Danny and the Juniors played At The Hop in 1957, capitalizing on an emerging teen culture. Today the only hop kids are familiar with walks in lockstep with hip. In 1964, Bob Dylan wrote The Times They Are a Changin', accurately portraying an anxious America still reeling from the assassination of a President and harboring vague concerns of an unknown future.

 

So it's not difficult to see that every decade is musically different. Moving into the 70's and beyond, singer-songwriters like Bruce Springsteen and John Mellencamp sang of disaffection and discontent. Guitar rock, synth-driven beats, packaging over performance - popular music continues to evolve at high speeds.

 

And then there is the 80's.

 

As I smarmily (possibly not a real word - but fitting) wrote two months ago in 80's Songs Re-Titled, re-casting any song to snugly fit into a different time and tenor requires a lot of editing. Being a smart ass doesn't hurt either. But it was a smart ass decade - full of big hair, bright colors and bold lyrics. Outrageousness came with the territory and the music.

 

So, for at least one more installment, 80's music will be resurrected - for tweaking, for mocking, for fun and for your enjoyment:

 

1. Livin' on a Pill - by Bon Jovi. Back in their heyday Jon and the fellas didn't need any help in this department, but time and touring have taken their toll. Despite winning the genetic lottery, when these Jersey Boys need a "lift" to keep up with their groupies, their friends at Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson step in. Though some lyrics stay the same ("whoa, we're halfway there . . . ) , the meaning is altogether different.

2. Pour Some Red Bull on Me by Def Leppard. In a blatant effort to garner today's teen audience, the 80's giant signs endorsement deals with one energy drink after another (Monster, Rockstar, Amp, Full Throttle, etc.). The strategy eventually backfires when each bandmember spontaneously combusts onstage after chugging cans of Red Bull's sugary goodness.

 

3. Don't Stop Re-Tweeting by Journey. I'm sorry I still don't get it. Can someone please tell me what the frack is the point of Twitter? Who gives two shits what Justin Bieber thinks of the Affordable Care Act (fine, fine . . . Obamacare). Must every opinion be shared, re-shared and hashtagged? Let's be honest, most opinions are poorly supported with pseudo-facts and bias, including the opinion that most opinions are poorly supported with pseudo-facts and bias. Naturally, the band's updated classic has no one believin'.

 

4. Girls Just Wanna Serve Their Country Without Being Sexually Harassed by Cyndi Lauper. The original anthem of female solidarity is renewed to draw attention to a decades-long crisis in the American military. Sadly, just like the crisis, Lauper's update gets almost no play from the mainstream media.

 

5. We Are Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister. Say what you will about frontman Dee Snider (scary looking, weird hair, weirder make-up, awful singer), but he is a principled man who testified in 1985 (along with John Denver - how's that for a photo-op) in a Senate hearing to support free speech in the music industry. Realizing now that most Americans don't really care about privacy and individual liberty as long as they can safely, tweet, post, tag and comment, Snider cries a proverbial UNCLE! in this updated version.

 

6. Burning Down the House (of Representatives) by The Talking Heads. I want things. Sometimes I have to borrow money for these things. After borrowing money, I spend it on stuff. Never in this process have I been under the impression that I didn't have to pay the money back. Apparently, this bedrock principle of lending was recently lost on our House of Representatives who (even after funding legislation by voting - remember voting?) decided they didn't want to pay for what the majority of them had already agreed on. Dick move Boehner. Sadly, on a recent visit to the nation's capital, the Heads founder and frontman David Byrne was all out of matches. 

 

7. Flashmob . . . What a Feeling by Irene Cara. The fading cultural fad of having a mass of people "spontaneously" and publicly dance a choreographed number as smartphones capture the moment for posterity is given new life by Ms. Cara, who coincidentally is also the honorary President of P.W.O.H.R.I.L.G. - People Who Only Have Rhythm In Large Groups. The flashmob is reinvigorated. 

 

8. Every Little Thing She Does is Bat-Shit Crazy by The Police. Looking to recapture their magic (and fatten their wallets), Sting and whatever those other two guys names are re-record an early Police classic as an ode to Miley Cyrus' recent career trajectory. Unfortunately, the accompanying video shows the aging and naked Sting uncomfortably straddling a tetherball (no wrecking ball being available for filming).

 

9. Don't Worry, Take Ritalin by Bobby McFerrin. This 80's one-hit wonder is re-tuned to reflect our obsession with prescription medication. Got a problem? Take a pill. Feeling anxious? Take a pill. Bummed out? Take a pill. A member of Bon Jovi? Take a pill. The healthcare industry, enjoying the fruits of pharmaceutical kickbacks, wouldn't have it any other way. Be happy.

 

10. Hit Me With Your Best Drone by Pat Benatar. The 80's first rocker/sex symbol is placed on the government's watch list after re-tooling this defiant song into a cautionary tale about the extensive loss of innocent lives through America's use of unmanned drones overseas. In an unrelated story, Benatar's home was recently replaced by a large, smoking crater.

 

11. She Lied to Me With Science by Thomas Dolby. Dolby wanted nothing to do with this re-make requested by the Tea Party, but couldn't say no after party leaders threatened to defund his National Endowment for the Arts grant in which he was given a large pile of taxpayer money in an effort to, as he put it, "unite all people through our shared love of bongo music." With conservative oversight, Dolby's new lyrics now resemble a Deep South science textbook, with absolutely no references to dinosaurs, a re-positioning of the Earth as the center of the universe and touting a new, "sciencey" carbon-dating technique that fixes the Earth's beginning around sunrise on February 2, 4532 B.C. shortly before a groundhog emerged from a freshly dug hole in the ground.

 

12. It's the End of Breaking Bad as We Know It (and I Feel Terrible) by R.E.M. Lead singer Michael Stipe's original - the world is going to hell in handbasket but why worry - song has taken a darker turn to reflect his (and many Americans') depression following the ending of AMC's instant classic series starring Brian Cranston's unforgettable character, Walter White.

 

13. Burnin' From Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. This peppy tune has been re-vamped as a public service announcement from the American Academy of Dermatology and as free advertising for Hawaiian Tropic, who is trying to raise sales of their new SPF 150 line of sunscreen.

 

14. Don't You Forget About Me (Because I Can't Remember Who the Hell I Am) by Simple Minds. This Breakfast Club staple is dropped at the last minute from the soundtrack to the PBS Frontline documentary about the NFL's concussion crisis, League of Denial. With promised royalties no longer forthcoming, band members sue the embattled league stating, "why not, everyone else is."

15. What I Like About Me by The Romantics. Desperate for cash, this 80's club favorite is revised and sold by The Romantics to the producers of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and installed as the new theme song to a show that continues - despite all logic - to enjoy strong ratings.

16. Total Collapse of the Tart by Bonnie Tyler. The creepy original, complete with private school video ("turn around bright eyes . . .") is sung by Britney Spears, who is unaware that it is autobiographical of a career that has finally been exposed as entirely auto-tuned.

17. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My War by Billy Ocean. Despite being undeniably the worst of the 80's, the Defense Department buys the rights to Ocean's awful follow up to Caribbean Queen. A Pentagon spokesperson, speaking on conditions of anonymity, believes having a theme song for America's next overseas military misadventure can't hurt. "Beats the hell out of I'll Be Home for Christmas." All lyrics mentioning "jump in the backseat" are wisely changed to "take the kill shot."

18. Lancing With Myself by Billy Idol. The snarly 80's rocker dons his leather and chains once again to mock and ridicule the defrocked and now solitary cycling king Lance Armstrong. "The lyrics practically re-wrote themselves," Mr. Idol stated, sporting a commemorative Nike graphic t-shirt emblazoned with the words "Livewrong."

19. Every Mom Likes Her Porn by Poison. This re-styled 80's power ballad will be featured prominently in the upcoming movie adaptation of the international bestseller, 50 Shades of Grey. Bret Michaels, still angry at being turned down for the lead role of Christian Grey, secretly sings off-key throughout. No one notices.
 

20. Wake Me Up Before You Go-B.O. by Wham!. Before announcing their complete refusal to ever work with the Obama Administration again (when did they start?), conservative Republicans leave this audio calling card at the steps of the White House, ring the doorbell and run. Once they are safely ensconced back in their home states and far away from Washington (and scrutiny), these elected officials send each other congratulatory tweets for never getting caught stating on the record the number one reason why they just don't like the President - because he's black. Jerks. Knew it all the time.

So you see, it seems 80's song titles and all the fodder available in this murky century, are made for each other. Impossible to forget, easy to connect.