80's Songs Retitled

I am a child of the 80's. I started junior high in 1979 and finished college in 1989. I remember switching from flair to straight leg jeans in 7th grade; a Goody comb tucked in my back pocket through 8th and 9th grade; watching Michael Jackson moonwalk across the Apollo Theater stage in 10th grade; unsuccessfully try on parachute pants in senior high; buttoning the fly of my stonewashed jeans as I entered college; and finally, replacing my cassettes with something called cd's as graduation neared. The decade had a distinct attitude, style and sound.

 Like many other people around my age, that sound lives on in our adulthood. I can hear a song from that era and be instantly transported back in time. As I should be. Most music fits snugly into the decade that spawned it. 80's music is no different. There are very few musicians and singers that are truly timeless, able to sound fresh and relevant from one decade to the next. I am thankful for that because I want the music of my youth to return me - for three or four minutes at a time - to the decade when everything was still in front of me. I need to feel that again.

I sometimes wonder if children of the 00's and 10's will feel the same sort of nostalgia for the music of their childhood as my generation does for ours. I know there is good music being made by talented and hardworking artists. I even listen to some. But in the tightly controlled music industry of the present that vomits out flawless looking "talent" who have been buffed, polished and auto-tuned to a high shine, I don't see a lot of wiggle room for anything resembling future sentimentality or longing.

For the sake of argument though, I wonder what the hit makers of the 80's would have sounded like in the second decade of this still-young century. Only a generation has passed since the 80's ended, but light years in terms of the changes that have occurred in American culture. Still, it's fun to imagine what some of the 80's greatest hits might have sounded like if those same artists had recorded those classic tunes today. For example:

1. Do You Really Want to Block Me by Culture Club. Boy George was mildly shocking when this debut song hit the airwaves. Today? His look wouldn't garner him a double take. Nonetheless, blocking a call or friend request now is the equivalent of hurting someone to their face back when I heard this in 1983.

2. Wifi for Nothin' (Stream for Free) by Dire Straits. This iconic song about the soulless music industry of the 80's is more relevant than when it was first pressed to vinyl. However, Mark Knopfler would probably update the lyrics to express his disgust towards Hipsters who monopolize free wifi at coffee shops across North America. Sting's backing vocals will now be "I want my, I want my, I want my Net TV," rather than the now quaint "I want my MTV."

 

3. I Wanna Chat With Somebody by Whitney Houston. The defining diva of the decade couldn't dance a lick, and she knew it. Watch the video to this tune and you'll see what I mean. So, for a less engaged, but more plugged in generation (A+ if you know the difference), Whitney's song has been revamped to express what most teens are doing on any given Friday or Saturday night.

4. Let's Hear it For the Blog by Denise Williams. Footloose, the classic boy defies establishment, boy triumphs over establishment movie from 1984 which spawned Ms. Williams only hit, will be re-booted - again. This latest version will be entirely virtual - playing out in the mind of the autistic kid from the 80's television show St. Elsewhere, who is the creation of a Second Life character who looks remarkably like a middle-aged Kevin Bacon (any reference to the word blog is coincidental and not meant to be self-serving, wink wink).

 5. Tag on Me by A-ha. No one from the 80's can forget the groundbreaking video that accompanied the original version, Take On Me. The band, frustrated by years of being able to walk down any city street without being recognized, retitles the mega-hit to reflect their need to stand apart from other equally unrecognizable 80's Euro bands such as Big Country, The Thompson Twins, Dexy's Midnight Runners and Men Without Hats.

 6. Take My Phone Away by Berlin. The signature love ballad from Top Gun (complete with the still-uncomfortable love scene between Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis) is updated as a public service announcement aimed at teens addicted to texting and driving.

7. Twerking for the Weekend by Loverboy. Mike Reno and the boys' high energy anthem to capping off the 40 hour work week with some serious partying is re-written to highlight how teens now turn their nose upwards to any sort of serious labor because they are too busy watching YouTube clips of Miley Cyrus making a complete, epic, embarrassing, desperate for attention, utterly unsexy fool of herself. Ironic because she is hip-thrusting all the way to the bank.

 8. Tweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses. Axl Rose - long known for his tardiness at concerts, re-styles GNR's breakout hit to explain to his few remaining fans that he will no longer appear live on stage, but instead use Twitter as a concert venue. On a related note, future Guns N' Roses songs will be limited to 144 characters, with each new song coming in at around 13 seconds. Hopes for a comeback are high at the Rose compound.

9. Another Post on the Wall by Pink Floyd. Late in creating a Facebook Fan Page, the rock giant makes up for lost time by replacing bricks with posts - at the rate of one every five minutes. Other than posting about upcoming concert dates, Roger Waters and David Gilmour update fans with pictures of the scones they just took out of the oven, the meals they ordered at Olive Garden, as well as sharing FB posts from Grumpy Cat. As always, Waters and Gilmour end each night with a delightful, "Cheerio Peeps!"

10. Trollin' After Midnight by Judas Priest. After diligent research, frontman Rob Halford discovers that teens no longer do anything that even remotely resembles living after midnight. Instead they troll FB pages, Twitter feeds, Instagrams and Vines in the dark, depressing seclusion of their securely locked bedrooms. The lyric change is a simple one.

11. Siri by Starship. The 80's ballad Sara, by the former Jefferson Airplane, starred Rebecca DeMornay in the accompanying music video. Revamped, Siri is about an iPhone loyalist who decides to switch to a Samsung Galaxy S4 and delicately tells his iPhone 4S that they must go their separate ways. "It's not you, it's me," he lies.

12. You Trolled Me All Night Long by AC/DC. Like Rob Halford, Angus Young is disgusted with the lack of human interaction in the 21st century. Deciding if you can't beat 'em, join 'em - Young and his mates re-record their smash hit from 1980 with more era-accurate lyrics. Reborn and recharged, the rockers join the social networking revolution and are never heard from again. The reason? No one told them that MySpace is as trendy as schoolboy shorts.

13. I Just Facetimed to Say I Love You by Stevie Wonder. After learning that 9 out of every 10 calls now go unanswered, Little Stevie gets with the times, but, just like everyone else, cannot figure out how to actually make eye contact while video chatting. I repeat - Just. Like. Everyone. Else.

14. Welcome to the Podcast by Guns N' Roses. With the emasculation of the human male nearly complete, Slash quits the band and hard liquor after laying down some guitar licks on this remake of the band's angry anthem to become a featured speaker on NPR's popular weekly radio show and podcast of the same name, Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me. A jungle indeed.

15. Every Selfie You Take by The Police. Correctly reading the culture's temperature, Sting retools the band's timeless classic of obsessive love into a sonnet of narcissistic self-absorption. Only after once loyal fans give a careful listening and watching to EBYT's 1983 follow-ups King of Pain and Wrapped Around Your Finger, does Every Selfie You Take fall from the top of the charts. Seems Sting (Sting, really?) had a firm grip on self-absorption and narcissism a long time ago.

 16. 867-5309#Jenny#numberonthewall by Tommy Tutone. Hopelessly outdated due to its lack of the now-universal area code, Mr. Tutone (not his real last name, in case you were wondering) gets a clue and tweets out Jenny's number every chance he gets - this time with the mythical 555 prefix. Sadly, Jenny - who still owns the original seven digit number - died in 1999 of an ear infection brought on by too many crank calls. Her estate is in litigation with Tommy and plans to take him for everything he's worth, which has been estimated at a cool $3,027.43.

17. Keyp n Txtng U by REO Speedwagon. Realizing that in the 21st century brief, written communication is the preferred form of expressing affection, Kevin Cronin and Gary Richrath reform the Speedwagon with a clipped vengeance. When announcing the re-release of their seminal album Hi Infidelity, each addresses the gathered press in silence, but are seen busily thumbing their smartphones as questions fly at them via GoToMeeting.com.

18. Cyberspace is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar. Having had her early music illegally downloaded for years, the 80's rock sex symbol gives up love and goes to court. Her goal? To be awarded enough in court costs and damages to finally get braces on her teeth.

19. We Built This Wiki by Starship. Grace Slick and Mickey Thomas teamed up in the original to sing of their love for that City by the Bay, San Francisco. In this reboot for a new century, Slick goes it alone and tells the story of her attempt to build a website based on lies, half-truths and complete distortions of reality. People can't get enough.

20. Tag You, Tag Me by Lionel Richie. The former Commodores frontman dominated a large chunk of the 80's and wants back in the limelight once again. Rather than sell a box set of his complete musical catalog, he releases an updated and unplugged version of his worst song, Say You, Say Me. Sadly, his effort to also bring the Afro back in style fails miserably when attempts to tag himself on Facebook repeatedly misidentify Mr. Richie as either former Black Panther Angela Davis or former Major League outfielder Oscar Gamble.

 21. Sext Me Amadeus by Falco. Refusing to play the casino circuit any longer, Austrian pop star Falco sells the rights of his one international hit to Edie Falco, a/k/a Carmelo Soprano from The Sopranos. Edie, having gone off the deep end since the end of the groundbreaking HBO series, re-writes the always weird song and performs it at Newark, New Jersey nursing homes, claiming it is a re-telling of her on again, off-again text relationship with the nearly 222 years dead composer, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

22. Addicted to Likes by Robert Palmer. Tired and bored of being continually surrounded by the same five gorgeous woman who accompanied him in the iconic video to Addicted to Love, Palmer cashes in by taking the Center for Disease Control's money and embarks on a solo world tour singing of the dangers of the newly categorized and health care-covered illness, FA - Facebook Addiction. 5,000 Chapters of FA - Facebook Anonymous - spring to life overnight. Palmer is named Time's Man of the Year.

 23. Apple Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears. Steve Jobs, three days in the grave, rises from the dead and commissions the British band to restyle their 1985 chart topper to express his personal lifelong mission (rather than be a worthy father or husband. Meh) or else he will amend his deal with the devil, return to Earth permanently and make sure none of the band members ever live within 500 miles of a cell tower again. "Drop the word Everybody, or things will get ugly," he was overheard saying, while simultaneously sharpening his horns menacingly. Sobbing, Tears for Fears meekly complied.   

24. Text Dirty to Me by Poison. Bret Michaels gets with the program after his 3,011th girlfriend tells him, "If it's not in a text, then it's not real. Or ever going to happen." Having drank more liquor than all Mormons who have ever lived (or ever will live), combined, the best Michaels can punch out on his phone is a rather pathetic, grub my cake and peel colin firth. Not entirely sure what he meant, Bret's girlfriend makes herself a chocolate/banana smoothie and settles in to watch The King's Speech.

25. Your Leak by The Outfield. Between the WikiLeaks scandal and the recent NSA whistleblowing, this 80's one-hit wonder couldn't help capitalizing on their 1985 hit, Your Love. Rather than lyrics that included an odd combination of using and losing love, this 21st century update starts on a promising note:

Eddie's on a vacation far away,

Russians round and takin' over,

so many things Snowden wants to say,

now that he's no longer working covert.
 

Whew! There it is. So many songs, so many memories and so many future possibilities. Not an entire catalog of the 80's but a good start. If you enjoyed the past and laughed at the present please share, share and share some more.

80's Forever!