Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

By the time a person reaches my age, he or she should have a pretty good idea of what they like and what they don't like. Most likely, there have been enough significant experiences and Significant Others to semi-accurately fill four categories: Yes, No, Maybe and Never Again. Some of the lines between these four columns may blur from time to time - but hey - gray is a color too.

My turn-ons have definitely evolved over time. Funny thing, turn-ons. They may seem shocking to the outside world but are a completely normal and integrated part of our own lives. Sure, maybe slightly odd at first  - but they just felt right - and quickly became not only what we do but part of who we are.

Turn-offs work much the same way. I believe from an early age (maybe birth?) we are wired to intensely dislike certain things. Other turn-offs evolve over time and through experiences that leave us saying, "Yuck." My turn-offs have tended to fall under the experiential category - a walk of shame with a muttering, "I am never doing that again." Lesson learned.

Sharing turn-ons and turn-offs with the wide world might seem like a dangerous thing to do. But once a guy has shared a Fucket List, nothing is really sacred, is it? And who knows - you may discover what revs your engine or idles your motor isn't much different from me.

1. Turn-On: Recycling - Something must be seriously wrong with me. I have removed used toilet paper rolls from my parents bathroom trash, presented it to them with the scolding words, "This is recyclable, you know." I wasn't always this way. But once I discovered the Joy of Recycling, and the fetish-like need it filled in me, no piece of trash was above scrutiny. In fact, just last week I accidentally threw an envelope into the outdoor trash barrel. "It's only one thing," I told myself. Sadly, within thirty seconds I tipped the huge barrel over, crawled in to retrieve the scrap of paper and triumphantly deposited it into the single-sort recycling container. Help. Me.

2. Turn-Off: Flip-flops - Rubber. Hard to walk in. Dirty. Noisy. Originally called thongs (I like the modern use of  the word much better). Did I forget anything? I owned my first and only pair of flip-flops when I was eighteen, wearing them to the point of disintegration. Dana Stevens of Slate.com, however, has written the definitive account of this ridiculously popular footwear called Your Flip-Flops are Grossing Me Out.

 

3. Turn-On: Minimalism - I am a devout Minimalist (no, not yet a religion but it could be). If I even think that I will no longer have a use for something, it's gone. If there is such a thing as an anti-pack rat, I am its poster child. Honestly, something about my minimalism is slightly unsettling. Nonetheless, this behavior has easily extended into cyberspace. In fact, at this very moment my two primary email accounts have - at most - less than ten emails total that haven't already been deleted into oblivion - spam included. Does this occasionally bite me in the ass? Co-workers, family and friends would scream a resounding "Yes!" to this cult-like obsession.

 

4. Turn-Off: Eating Warm Apples - Ew. Why in the world would anyone want to eat a warm apple? Cold, crunchy and crisp - this is the desired state an apple should be eaten. Confession: I have never had a piece of apple pie, fritter or crisp in my life. Like cleaning my bathroom, nothing about warm apples seems remotely appealing. Yes, I realize what a minority I am in. But before you accuse me of Communist tendencies, you should know that I have twenty-nine baseballs and baseball-related items in my living room (no lie, I just counted), not to mention an oversized American flag waving outside my front door.  Oh, and I love my mother, so three out of four slices of Americana ain't bad.

5. Turn-On: Smoothies - A couple of weeks ago a friend offered me a smoothie. Game over - I was hooked. After the Oster Blender was purchased, smoothies have become a part of my morning routine. Have I stopped there? No. Now everyone has to hear me sing the smoothie's praises - as if I were somehow the first person to stumble upon the benefits of its fruity goodness. Oh brother. To be fair, it's probably the healthiest thing I've done for myself since I briefly gave up coffee, or was briefly gluten-free, or was briefly a vegetarian, or was briefly without sugar. You can see where this is headed.

 

There you have it - not nearly as titillating as you were probably hoping my turn-ons and turn-offs might be, but what did you really expect? No doubt you too have likes and dislikes that your friends and family shake their heads at and silently mouth, "Weird." But so what - our oddities are part of what define us, and - let's be honest - what secretly give us great pleasure.