A Smartphone for Bergy McBuzz

With apologies to - and inspiration from - Dr. Suess' Gertrude McFuzz

There once was a man named Bergy McBuzz,

and he had the smallest dumb cellphone ever was.

One flippy flip phone - that's all that he had.

And oh! That one dumbphone made Bergy so mad!

For there were Countless Others he knew,

who had smartphones that could DO

the most remarkable, spectacular DO's!

Poor Bergy! Whenever he happened to spy

people with their smartphones passing casually by,

he got very jealous. He frowned and he pouted.

Then one day he got awfully mad and he shouted:

"This just isn't fair! Mine is dumb! Theirs are wise!

I MUST have a phone just like everyone buys!"

So he went to the web to see Verizon and Sprint,

sites loaded with choices that cost a small mint.

And IM'ed with customer service representatives

who spelled out offers as soothing as sedatives.

"Tut, tut!" said an inner voice. "Such phones! How absurd!

Your dumbphone is just right for your kind of nerd!"

So Bergy had doubts. He hemmed and he hawwed,

he fussed and he fretted, finally exclaiming, "Oh God!"

"Just buy one already, you'll be glad that you did.

Soon you'll be posting and tweeting like a tech-savvy kid."

"Oh, finally," muttered another small soul,

not the same one that kept his desires in control.

This one sounded tempting! And as soon as he heard it,

Bergy listened closely. Of the two, he fa-vored it.

"Just get the cool smart one, you know it's you're right,

after years with a dumbphone, you're gonna be tight!"

Then he felt something happen! He felt a small twitch,

he reached for his check card - at last - scratch the itch!

Bergy entered 16 digits and then clicked "Check Out."

Quick before you change your mind, shut down, get the heck out!

He had done it! His new phone would be smarter, bigger, brighter, light blue!

Goodbye LG Remarq! You were tiny, lousy, dropped calls right on cue!

Now armed with a Galaxy S3 was Bergy McBuzz,

he was enthralled with all of the fun things that it does.

It's huge screen size and pixels and 4G connectivity,

he fawned with an unheard of degree of compulsivity.

He pecked at the apps that appeared all the time.

Tapping on four, five, six, seven, eight, nine!

And he didn't stop striking, old Bergy McBuzz,

till he'd downloaded three dozen! Why? Well, just because.

Then extra charges showed up on his bill. Who's to blame?

They kept coming month by month. They came, came and came!

All fit for a chump, who'd bitten off more than he chewed!

McBuzz was fit to be tied and came quickly unglued!

But that silky voice kept telling him, making a strong case,

"Look around you dummy! Smartphones are all over the place!

People streaming - sending data out there to the breeze,

Stay the course - with the program - soldier on will ya - GEEZ!"

"Wake up! Wake up!" yelled a voice,

the astute one that had urged restraint.

"It's all been a bad dream,

no need to fret, frown or faint!"

"You still own the Remarq,

that quaint, cute device.

With its sliding feature, tiny keys,

and when wet - hey, use dry rice!"

Bergy's thoughts were hazy, thick still with sleep.

But his mind was made up. No more voices would peep.

They would go on together - his Remarq and him,

but he knew without much vigor or any sort of vim.

Then the LG rang, and Bergy McBuzz said "Hello?

Who is this? I can't hear you!" he could only bellow.

"Screw it. I'm done. No more calls will be blown.

I'm coming 21st century, gonna buy me a smartphone!"