Middle-Aged Revised

Middle-Aged.

Once again, as happened last February (see link), my inclusion of this dreaded term in my blog description (Musings of a Middle-Aged Man) has raised a few hackles of another friend whose age is  the same general time zone as mine. Her playful dispute of membership in my age group - and the teasing discussion that followed - made me realize that, although the century is still relatively new, our quaint definitions of age are as outdated as the eight-track tape.

New definitions are long overdue. Changes in parenting, the health and wellness revolution, our chronic cosmetic pursuit of the elusive Fountain of Youth - these and other equally valid reasons demand a reclassification of the simplistic terms Childhood, Adulthood, Middle-Aged and Elderly. 

But before I make the attempt, a disclaimer. Any disparaging remarks I aim towards any age groups I once occupied are entirely self-accusatory and may not reflect your personal experience. And how often have I been serious anyway?

Here goes:

1. Adolescence, ages 10 to 17 - Kids are still kids. Some carry immense burdens, none that I could have borne or imagined. Others, the High-Achieving or Else crowd, have their lives thoroughly scheduled by parents keeping up with God-knows-who. Many more are increasingly sedentary, only emerging, vampire-like, when absolutely necessary. Still, most adolescents are decent and well-meaning. Like we were - they are simply waiting for it all to pass, while at the same time anxiously eyeing an uncertain future.
 

2. Post-Adolescence, ages 18 to 25 - Sure, 18 year-olds can vote and serve in the military. At 21, they can (legally) saunter into a bar and order any concoction imaginable. But they are not adults. I remember those years and some of the decisions I made.  A few were driven by impulse, or lust or alcohol - occasionally a combination of the three. Naively, I assumed adulthood had been reached and that in a few short years "life" would fall into place. Hilarious. Let's face it, the soft gooey nougat of our cerebrum is still coalescing in post-adolescence (true story). Nuff ' said.

3. Near Adulthood, ages 26 to 32 - Sorry, still not quite there yet. Yes - couples marrying, kids are born, houses purchased, divorces finalized - but I'm still doubtful most people in this age group quite know who they are yet or what they want from their lives. Self-honesty is still around the corner, waiting for some major stumbles to occur first before life reveals itself. No worries - the hurdles will come.

4. Adulthood, ages 33 to 45 - Congratulations - we made it! The cerebral nougat has completely hardened and we can start to hit our personal and professional stride. This doesn't mean we necessarily will - but by this time the first of our hard knocks have been weathered and survived, and we are mildly startled to discover we are still on two feet. No, this isn't exactly what we thought it would be like, but what ever is? Only through these trials have we gain a clearer understanding of who we are. Confidence follows.

5. Near Middle-Aged, ages 46 to 50 - I guess I only kicked middle-aged a few years down the road. Still, who among us in our forties actually feels anywhere close to middle-aged? Not me, but "near" is near enough. By this time, our collective life experience has given us a certain amount of dignity and self-assurance. No, our kids no longer think we're cool or worthy of their time, but we still do and that's all that matters.

6. Middle-Aged, ages 51 to 60 - Okay, now I understand the complaints. This time frame seems better suited to the term. Images of "middle-aged" that come immediately to my mind are first-time grandparents, retirement planning and erectile dysfunction. And yet, plenty in this age group still defy the label - and don't look anywhere near their age.

7. Near Elderly, ages 61 to 75 - My parents are in this age group - retired and collecting social security. Still, there is no way I would begin to view them as elderly. Yes, aches come quicker than they used to and take longer to fade, but these can still be years filled with vitality. I ran my first marathon at the age of 25 and was sufficiently humbled when I discovered that the woman finishing right next to me was 62. Elderly, my foot.

I could continue on past 75 (elderly) but the designation is like adolescence - unchanged. And besides, folks past this age shouldn't be the targets of anyone's humor, even peripherally. And certainly not from a hack like me.

There are my own unscientific, bias-driven labels. Take them for what they're worth - the blather of a man soon reaching "near middle-aged". Self-servingly, I have also edited my blog description to correspond with this new "reality". That ought to buy me some time. Cool beans, dude.