9 Reasons We Don't Sleep Very Well

Every May, June and July for the past decade, I have filled my time umpiring a lot of baseball and softball games. The one guaranteed result from all of these active evenings has been that I sleep pretty well for three months out of the year. No big surprise, just simple math. But all that fresh air reminds me how much better humanity used to sleep than we do in this silly century.

Though life was physically more challenging in the past, people undoubtedly slept longer and harder than we do today. After all, they had to. Manual labor was much more the rule than the exception in daily life. Fast-forward to today. The forty hour work week demands very little of us physically. Consequently, we toss and turn at night, our minds occupied by a world that our ancestors would collectively eyeroll at. 

I'm not saying life was better "back in the day." I am quite content with all of the modern, time-saving devices that keep my hands callous-free. But I can't help noticing that much of modernity has morphed into one frivolous tail-chasing exercise after another and that we practically go out of our way to make our lives more difficult and frivolous. Such as:

1. We can't fit even one car into the garage. To an avowed Minimalist, this concept is just plain nuts. But then again, I don't remember the last time I cleaned my toilet, so I guess "nuts" is relative. But still, come on already.

2. We rent off-site storage space for our "stuff." Stuff we think we're going to need someday, but won't. Stuff we think has resale value, but doesn't. Stuff that is still so near and dear to our hearts that we have moved it far away and locked it up in a dank, windowless vault.

3. We've had two or more cosmetic procedures. No one even close to my age should be tossing and turning at night worrying about that newest wrinkle around the eyes, wondering how to pay for that fat-freezing "procedure," or whether or not a possible cheek implant will make our butts look big. It will.

4. We spend an obscene amount of time each week shuttling our kids to and from their activities. Take it from the former Shuttler-in-Chief, you will never wax nostalgically with your adult children about all those hundreds of hours everyone, including them, was frazzled to the bone. But you will miss the quality time you lost in the first place.

5. We take selfies at the gym. No, I don't think people my age do this (why would we?!). But for those that do, knock it off. You're never going to look or feel like you did in your 20's. If you lie awake at night thinking about your next rep or squat or thrust or whatever tire-flipping exercise is currently trending, you're losing valuable time when your middle-aged body needs to recuperate from simply getting through a normal day.

6. We are still outraged by the final season of Game of Thrones. Was I disappointed? Thoroughly. Did it keep me up at night bemoaning the sloppy story-telling? No. My arthritic hip did, but not that pain in the ass.

7. We immediately buy the next, newest iteration of whatever brand of smart phone or watch we are loyal to. I refuse to believe that anyone who has bought an Apple Watch can honestly say that it was an indispensable purchase, vital to their daily functioning as a sentient being. No. Way. A "keeping up with the Joneses" dopamine hit? Absolutely. A sleepless night salivating about that pending purchase is just plain batty.

8. We treat our adolescent children like they are somehow our equals. This one could be an entire blogpost by itself. But suffice it to say that, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" is still a perfectly legitimate reason to give a child as to why they can't have that (fill in the blank), why they can't go to so and so's party, or why they should (pick any chore). Because I said so doesn't make us bad parents. It creates a clear, unmistakable boundary so lacking in far too many families. Try it, you'll sleep like a baby.

9. We make a list of reasons we don't sleep very well. You see my problem.