The United States of Conspiracies

When I was a kid I devoured books about the Kennedy Assassination and the national trauma it kicked off. It wasn't long before my reading splintered off into the realm of conspiracy theory. How could it not? The Conspiracy Industrial Complex was practically born within hours of 12:30pm CST, November 22, 1963. Even to this day, speculation is still rife across the land that it was the CIA or LBJ or the Joint Chiefs of Staff or the Mafia (capital M) or some Venn Diagram combination of all four. And I bought it hook, line, and sinker for decades.

Well no more.

Lee Harvey Oswald did it. That's right—pathetic, loner, loser Lee Harvey upended American History (with a capital H) all by himself. Nobodies like him aren't supposed to, but he did. Sure, the Warren Commission (tasked with investigating JFK's murder) did a pisspoor job with the evidence, didn't interview everyone they should have, and even rushed to judgment to reach a conclusion that was foregone, but it was foregone for a reason. A nobody going nowhere got noticed the only way he knew how, via assassination.

Oswald wasn't the first (Hello, Mr. Booth) or the last, but his subsequent murder two days later lit a fuse in the American Imagination (with a capital I) that has been exploding ever since. Just what is the explosion, you ask? None other than the ridiculous, preposterous, unimaginable number of conspiracy theories people have been suckered into believing.

I have a theory of my own as to why the American People (with a capital P) are so damn gullible. It's human nature, really. When horrific things happen that are emotionally shared by a large population of citizens (assassination being an obvious example), we find it very easy to believe that there must be some overarching puppet master manipulating events, not just some ex-Marine who got off three lucky shots from the 6th floor of a school book depository building. No way, can't be.

Conspiracies flourish during times of uncertainty, be it economic, social or cultural. Usually they are eventually debunked and die off. But what makes conspiracy theories so pernicious and persistent in this interconnected century is the all-invasive Internet (with another capital I). Say whatever you want, make things up out of whole cloth, be outrageous—in fact, the more outrageous the better. Incendiary and provocative websites are just begging to be clicked on. And guess what? You click, they earn. It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

Add a little dash of political polarization and you can make your side believe just about anything and Everything (with a capital E). It's exhausting to read and hear the pure fiction people swallow simply because it furthers someone else's political aims. Do they really believe what they're peddling? I don't think so. So, in honor of their nonsense, here are some conspiracy theories that JUST AIN'T TRUE:

1. Pizzagate: Do you really think the Democratic nominee for President was running a child sex ring out of a D.C. pizza parlor? That's just batshit crazy. Or Fox News worthy.

2. Sandy Hook Elementary: 20 kindergarteners were shot and killed in cold blood. The bloodsucker Alex Jones decided to call it a "false flag" operation, not because he believed it himself, but because he wanted to make a little coin. Disgusting.

3. The Moon Landing was faked: Good Christ, why would we waste billions to NOT do something. That's what the military is for.

4. Fluoridation of drinking water was a Communist plot to weaken America: Look it up, the John Birch Society (one of the original loony tune fringe groups) believed it. All I know is that my kids are cavity free, Commie or not.

5. Area 51: Aliens HAVE NOT visited Earth. This restricted Air Force base in Nevada is simply where top secret tests were held. People saw some weird shit. Case closed. And besides, Given that the development of intelligent life on this planet took billions of years to reach a point in which an unmanned probe could be hurled outside of our solar system, it stands to reason that intelligent life far, far away wouldn't be able to do the same many sooner than we have. And the odds of that intelligent life bumping into Earth's in a Universe so vast? Infinitesimal.

6. President Obama wasn't born in the U.S. and was a secret Muslim: Oh, knock it off. Just shout from the rooftops that you were pissed that the American people overwhelmingly voted for a black man....TWICE. But go ahead, racism seems to be all the rage these days. I doubt anyone would notice.

7. The 9/11 Attacks were an inside job: Yes, of course, the American government went to the trouble of training 19 Middle Eastern men how to fly planes (but not how to land them) in order to kill many of its own citizens. This is the JFK assassination all over again. Bad, unthinkable things happen, and rather than accept the evidence right in front of us (planes flying into building, not controlled demolition), we take one giant leap off the deep, deep end and believe the worst in just about everyone.

8. Reptilians are running the world: God, I wish I was making this up, but it's true. Million of Americans (in the neighborhood of 12 million, if the last poll is accurate) believe that shape-shifting lizards are in key positions in the government pulling the levers of power. This is my favorite conspiracy. Just goes to show you that there is a much higher number of uneducated and  ill-uninformed Americans than anyone previously imagined.

Why believe all this nonsense? Because life is messy, unpredictable, and complex. If the truth is something straight-forward and out of my control, I'll buy it. It mean I don't have to think for myself or make critical distinctions between fact and fiction. The lines become blurred and pretty soon we can believe whatever we want and call it REAL. Why is it real? Because I FEEL that it is. Folks, that ship sailed a while ago. Now we're all taking on water.