Redskins, Schmredskins

For the past 17 years I have been a Chieftain. No, not a real chieftain. I am a teacher in a Wisconsin school district (Osceola) that has resisted multiple statewide efforts to eliminate its American Indian mascot nickname - Chieftains. As other dominoes have continually fallen across the state and nation over the past two decades, my employer has stood stubbornly firm.

But Chieftain is a bit of a gray area, isn't it? After all, the Florida Seminole Osceola, for whom the town is named, was a nationally admired American Indian chief from the first half of the 19th century. We aren't the Fighting Chieftains, the Warrior Chieftains or the Red Chieftains. Just the Chieftains. No ethnic insult is implied or intended.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending my employer's steadfastness. But I do understand it. The town was intentionally named to honor a proud, persecuted man. Chieftain - a resolute leader - seemed like the only logical mascot nickname. And ironically, like their current mascot's namesake - Osceola, Wisconsin refuses to be forced from its history and heritage.

While Osceola School District's arguments against recasting its mascot's nickname may be reasoned and rational, those of Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder have never seemed comparable. He has repeatedly, stridently declared that he "will never change the name . . . NEVER." Sadly, Snyder's buffoonish puffery has only cemented his image as a man out of step with his times, wholly ignorant of the nation's ability to do an about-face on far more important issues than those of his silly little football team.

A more thoughtful, less bombastic man (which Snyder isn't) would point to polls and research conducted in recent years that suggest a much grayer picture and naming history than the red profile on the side of the Washington helmet indicates (Sporting News article). Regardless, Smilin' Dan is on the wrong side of public opinion and history. Even if Redskins wasn't originally meant to offend or degrade, it does now. And now is all that matters.

But here's the part I don't understand. Dan Snyder is a billionaire ($1.7 billion to be exact). I can only assume billionaires become billionaires because they love, love, love money. A billion - it seems - is never enough. And Dan can't be different than any other of his NFL brethren. These men are in an exclusive club - one that is bursting with greenbacks.

So who wouldn't want more? Apparently not the owner of the Washington Redskins. Lucky for him I've got an obvious solution: Rename the goddamn team, Dan. Not because you want to (you don't). Not because you should (but you really, really should). But because (and here's where I appeal to his greed), because . . . it will make you rich. Okay, fine. Richer.

And don't just change your football team's nickname, Dan. Change everything. Obviously, the logo. But more than that, the color scheme. Think about all that merchandising, Mr. Snyder. Jerseys, blankets, t-shirts, caps, sweatshirts, hoodies. And I'm just scratching the surface. Is your mouth watering yet? Done well and done with flair, you've got an even larger gold mine on your hands. Washington's new brand will be in demand from DC to LA. And you can even lie through your teeth, say that you realized how wrong you were and how now just want to do the right thing. See? Wasn't that easy?!

And since I've helped this much Mr. Snyder, why not take a look at some nickname ideas that are much more connected with our image of the nation's capital. Because when I think of the Beltway, American Indians never cross my mind, unless of course its to identify the past architects and authors of their extermination. Either way, try these on for size:

Washington Filibusters (Fillies): Chances are this new version of the 'Skins will frequently be penalized for delay of game. But unlike the those politicians who filibuster on Capitol Hill, just the team - not the American people - will suffer for it.

Washington Monuments: Hey, football is a macho game. Why not name the team after the most phallic structure in town? The symmetry is undeniable.

Washington Term Limits: This reincarnation of the team, like the oft-suggested idea of not being able to endlessly run for re-election, would be an eternal loser.

DC Lobbyists: Considering how much power these invisible Beltway warriors wield, I'm thinking an open briefcase full of cash as a helmet decal.

Washington Generals: This is my frontrunner. Sure, the Globetrotters' perennial doormats would have to be bought off, but it would be money well spent. With an Iwo Jima flag-raising silhouette on a camouflaged helmet, and a Sherman tank shooting off blanks after each touchdown, how can they possibly lose?

Everyone wants to leave a legacy, Dan. Even you. Yes, the diehards will be pissed for a while but they'll get over it when the team wears the Redskins throwback jerseys once a season. I've shown you the way out. And it's paved with dollar signs.

And who knows? Maybe after one of these new Washington jerseys start appearing in the halls of Osceola schools, an enterprising school administrator might see another way out and start quietly chanting Thunder! . . . Osceola Thunder!