80's Movies Re-Titled
The 80's it seems, are back with a vengeance. Pop culture nostalgia is in love with the Me Decade. Of course, Hollywood is getting in on the act with recent remakes of such cinematic gems as Footloose, Robocop, About Last Night, and Endless Love. Don't worry - there are plenty more in the works.
In fact, last week on The Tonight Show love for the 80's took center stage. Kevin Bacon had the distinct pleasure of reminding us that he has aged very well in the 30 years since he uttered the awesomely cheesy line in Footloose, "No dancing in Beaumont? Jump back!" 30 years?! I could hardly believe it but the math adds up.
Unlike Bacon, not all of us have been winners of the genetic lottery. Even those stars of other great 80's movies have fallen victim to Father Time. And while Bacon could probably slip easily back into the role of Ren McCormack, few other actors from my childhood could pull it off.
So with that reality in mind, I've re-titled or re-plotted a few other 80's movies for your enjoyment.
Desperately Seeking Service - Madonna's Get Into the Groove star-turn is transformed into a singles survival kit following the ups and downs of a group of 20-somethings who hop from one Starbucks to another in search of the best wifi reception.
Sixteen Comments - Molly Ringwald returns as a middle-aged woman struggling vainly to post anything on Facebook that receives more than 16 comments. Still a virgin, Michael Anthony Hall directs.
Flashdrive - Stripper by night, industrial welder by day, this girl dreams of her shot at the big time - an IT position at a mid-sized, struggling law firm.
Fully Wrecked Bracket - Matthew Modine returns as a Vietnam veteran who is on a vision quest to do the impossible - correctly pick the winner of every game in the NCAA basketball tournament.
The Untouchables - Based on a true story, this movie follows a group of Goldman Sachs investment bankers who single-handedly kick start the Great Recession of 2007 (and get away with it) but are still rewarded for their hard work with eight-figure corporate bonuses. Wolves indeed!
The Princess Bride - This film focuses on the rivalry between Kate and Pippa Middleton - specifically Kate's lingering resentment that Pippa's shapely bum stole the Royal Wedding spotlight.
The Breakfast Club - Judd Nelson reprises his star-making role, this time as Principal John Bender who spends every Saturday morning alone answering emails, reviewing job applications, reading articles on trends in education, writing grants, analyzing test scores, preparing teacher evaluations, and wishing he'd stayed on the auto repair track in high school.
The Empire Strikes Back - This dystopic thriller, set in the not so distant future, portrays Russia re-asserting its dominance over Eastern Europe . . . Oh, never mind.
Ferris Buehler's Day Off - this updated version, once again starring Matthew Broderick, follows the stressed out single father who spends a day at the spa rather than run his kids around to doctor's appointments, art class, play dates, soccer practice, Burger King and music lessons.
Back to the Future - This documentary follows the Facebookers who continually try to be the first to post that today or today or today is the date Marty McFly goes to the future. It's October 21, 2015 people! Still a full 18 months to invent a hover board or Mr. Fusion. No worries - plenty of time.
BeetleJuice - a documentary about the craft brewing phenomenon, complete with the Hipsters secret, noxious ingredient.
Adventures in Babysitting - This re-telling is a day in the life story of the bodyguard contingent hired by Justin Bieber to take the blame for him whenever he does something stupid. By noon they are exhausted.
Say Anything - This time starring John Cusack's sister Joan - as a Facebook addict compelled to post every single thought that crosses her mind, as well as pictures of all her meals.
The Lost Boys - a cautionary tale of vampire-like, unemployed young men in their early 20's who still live in their parents' basements, existing only on takeout Chinese and Grand Theft Auto V.
The NeverEnding Story - Aaron Sorkin directs this movie about Washington politics and its culture of corruption, greed and impotence.
Raging Bully - Robert Deniro puts on 225 pounds to play the title role - this time as New Jersey governor Chris Christie.
Look Who's Hawking - John Travolta stars in a biopic of Stephen Hawking under the mistaken impression that the famed scientist was actually a Scientologist. After discovering that the physicist is actually completely sane, Travolta declines the Oscar.
I'd say we have a few more years to revel in 80's nostalgia - so dust off those parachute pants, pull out those old cassette tapes, tease that hair - but remember, nothing last forever. In no time at all it'll smell like teen spirit.
In fact, last week on The Tonight Show love for the 80's took center stage. Kevin Bacon had the distinct pleasure of reminding us that he has aged very well in the 30 years since he uttered the awesomely cheesy line in Footloose, "No dancing in Beaumont? Jump back!" 30 years?! I could hardly believe it but the math adds up.
Unlike Bacon, not all of us have been winners of the genetic lottery. Even those stars of other great 80's movies have fallen victim to Father Time. And while Bacon could probably slip easily back into the role of Ren McCormack, few other actors from my childhood could pull it off.
So with that reality in mind, I've re-titled or re-plotted a few other 80's movies for your enjoyment.
Desperately Seeking Service - Madonna's Get Into the Groove star-turn is transformed into a singles survival kit following the ups and downs of a group of 20-somethings who hop from one Starbucks to another in search of the best wifi reception.
Sixteen Comments - Molly Ringwald returns as a middle-aged woman struggling vainly to post anything on Facebook that receives more than 16 comments. Still a virgin, Michael Anthony Hall directs.
Flashdrive - Stripper by night, industrial welder by day, this girl dreams of her shot at the big time - an IT position at a mid-sized, struggling law firm.
Fully Wrecked Bracket - Matthew Modine returns as a Vietnam veteran who is on a vision quest to do the impossible - correctly pick the winner of every game in the NCAA basketball tournament.
The Untouchables - Based on a true story, this movie follows a group of Goldman Sachs investment bankers who single-handedly kick start the Great Recession of 2007 (and get away with it) but are still rewarded for their hard work with eight-figure corporate bonuses. Wolves indeed!
The Princess Bride - This film focuses on the rivalry between Kate and Pippa Middleton - specifically Kate's lingering resentment that Pippa's shapely bum stole the Royal Wedding spotlight.
The Breakfast Club - Judd Nelson reprises his star-making role, this time as Principal John Bender who spends every Saturday morning alone answering emails, reviewing job applications, reading articles on trends in education, writing grants, analyzing test scores, preparing teacher evaluations, and wishing he'd stayed on the auto repair track in high school.
The Empire Strikes Back - This dystopic thriller, set in the not so distant future, portrays Russia re-asserting its dominance over Eastern Europe . . . Oh, never mind.
Ferris Buehler's Day Off - this updated version, once again starring Matthew Broderick, follows the stressed out single father who spends a day at the spa rather than run his kids around to doctor's appointments, art class, play dates, soccer practice, Burger King and music lessons.
Back to the Future - This documentary follows the Facebookers who continually try to be the first to post that today or today or today is the date Marty McFly goes to the future. It's October 21, 2015 people! Still a full 18 months to invent a hover board or Mr. Fusion. No worries - plenty of time.
BeetleJuice - a documentary about the craft brewing phenomenon, complete with the Hipsters secret, noxious ingredient.
Adventures in Babysitting - This re-telling is a day in the life story of the bodyguard contingent hired by Justin Bieber to take the blame for him whenever he does something stupid. By noon they are exhausted.
Say Anything - This time starring John Cusack's sister Joan - as a Facebook addict compelled to post every single thought that crosses her mind, as well as pictures of all her meals.
The Lost Boys - a cautionary tale of vampire-like, unemployed young men in their early 20's who still live in their parents' basements, existing only on takeout Chinese and Grand Theft Auto V.
The NeverEnding Story - Aaron Sorkin directs this movie about Washington politics and its culture of corruption, greed and impotence.
Raging Bully - Robert Deniro puts on 225 pounds to play the title role - this time as New Jersey governor Chris Christie.
Look Who's Hawking - John Travolta stars in a biopic of Stephen Hawking under the mistaken impression that the famed scientist was actually a Scientologist. After discovering that the physicist is actually completely sane, Travolta declines the Oscar.
I'd say we have a few more years to revel in 80's nostalgia - so dust off those parachute pants, pull out those old cassette tapes, tease that hair - but remember, nothing last forever. In no time at all it'll smell like teen spirit.
Bergy,
ReplyDeleteHow will Judge Nelson react when the prom committee hires a Van Halen tribute band, featuring Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) as lead singer, to play at this years prom?
And do foresee Mother Goose coming back from the dead to make sure Maverick actually drinks hemlock thus sparing the masses from any more of Tom Cruise?
Principal Bender will tell Spicoli to keep the music down otherwise, "I'm cracking skulls. You mess with the bull, you get the horns."
DeleteIf it means more "flying shit" with Maverick, I'm guessing Goose is happy right where he is.