Nip, Tuck, Lift, Enlarge

I have reached that stage in life where haircuts are 15 minute/$15 affairs. The stylist asks me how I want it cut, I shrug my shoulders, and we proceed from there. Last weekend was more of the same except I decided to go slightly shorter than usual - largely because I intended to put off the eventual February haircut until early March. Priorities: avoidance first, aesthetic last.

I now frequent barber shops where the wait time exceeds the actual haircut. Saturday was no different. Forgetting that I now have a smart phone to pass the time, I instinctively reached for any magazine off the rack that even remotely fit my age/gender demographic (there aren't many). With the pickings razor-thin I settled on Minnesota Monthly, and busily began a quick skim of its pages.

My skimming was short-lived, however, because one page in particular had my undivided attention.

At first I was confused. Was the ad as blatant as it appeared to be? Yup, it sure was. Playing on our cultural inclination to make annual resolutions, Ness Plastic Surgery was suggesting that (let's be clear) women ring in the New Year by creating a "New You." The implied sentiment was equally blatant: you aren't good enough, you should be dissatisfied, we are the solution.

This ad has floated in and out of my mind all week - and honestly - I'm not sure how I feel about it. All men and women - regardless of age - admire and desire physical beauty (Hey, I found the shape of the Word Dress attractive). Individually, many of us try to stall the aging process and prolong our youth with varying degrees of success via fitness regimens and healthier diets. But regardless - lines appear, extra pounds emerge, hairs gray or disappear altogether. All inevitable.

I get it. Aging can be unnerving. Bodies begin to break down. Health issues emerge. Vitality ebbs. Then again, have any of us ever been totally content with our reflections in the mirror?

On the flip-side, I am a guy. I don't have the cultural deck stacked against me. And my body doesn't experience the ravages (or rewards) of childbirth. Conventional wisdom says a man's aging process will leave him distinguished and seasoned, whereas a women's will leave her weathered and worn. This is the double standard implied in the advertisement, and the culture of cosmetic surgery it preys upon. 

But while I find the ad's superficial approach appalling, I also understand why it is appealing. Having children definitely "moves things around." Who could begrudge or judge any mother for wanting (or pursuing) her pre-baby body? I can't.

Still, I find the tail-chasing nature of this advertisement insulting and unsettling. Ladies, the ad suggests, all you need is this and that - and oh yeah, let's do these and those, and then how about them there. Never be satisfied or secure - nurture the exterior, ignore the interior. But more than that - it's not about returning to the Old You. The ad suggests there can be an entirely New You - one that never existed but certainly can (and should) be created.

 

None of these musings are new or ground-breaking. I'm not the first to wrestle with conflicting thoughts about what is physically desirable vs. what is realistically attainable. So, I ask myself, why does this ad continue to get under my skin? Oh wait, that's right. . .

 

. . . I have a daughter.

 

I am not embarrassed to say that I admire my daughter. She is smart, driven and focused. She has flair and style and moxey. In a word, she is formidable. But she also has eyes and ears and an impressionable heart that has been relentlessly exposed to a culture of contradictions. Magazine ads and music videos portray her as an object first, a person last. Mainstream athletic and academic inclusion has painted a different picture, opening doors of possibility for her and her peers that were closed two generations ago. 

 

So then what's the problem?

 

I guess I am shocked by the Caveman Clubbing nature of the ad. It's so ballsy, saying without stating, for all of your progress, Ladies - for all of your earned equality, you are still only as good as your looks. Without a big rack, small waist and tight body you will never be as happy or as fulfilled as we can make you.

 

And as a dad my instinctive response is, "Hey, assholes that's my daughter you're talking about. You don't know her. You don't know the first thing about her. Until you do, keep your esteem-crushing ads and ideas to yourself. She has enough societal pressures to deal with - she doesn't need your help."

Of course, these same cosmetic surgeons will tell you they are just meeting a demand (which they are), and are pleased to bring renewed confidence (which they aren't) to women of all ages. Total, utter bullshit. What they are really attempting to do is create dissatisfaction - repeat customers. So one procedure begets another, then another. In other words, tail chasers. I researched (at realself.com) the average cost of the procedures that formed the little black dress - the cosmetic procedure industry's one and only purpose is plain:

neck lift - $7325

arm lift - $8350

breast lift - $8125

breast enlargement - $6525

tummy tuck - $7875

buttock augmentation - $6100

liposuction - $5950

thigh lift - $9025

contouring after weight loss - $1800

lower body lifts - $15,200

None of these costs are shocking. None of these costs are covered. They are all out of pocket. In-house financing is available. All major credit card accepted. Home equity line of credit? That'll work.

Oh, and by the way . . . results may vary.