That's Impossible!

If you are in the vicinity of my age or older, you probably remember a show called, That's Incredible! This show - one of the first reality TV programs ever - aired in the early 80's and starred John Davidson, Cathy Lee Crosby and Fran Tarkenton. That's Incredible! featured people performing stunts and reenactments of allegedly paranormal events. The show also featured people with unusual talents, as well as scientific, medical, and technological breakthroughs. Individual segments would conclude with the studio audience shouting in unison, That's Incredible! Lame, I know - but let's not forget it was the 80's. Lame was in back then.

Very creepy publicity photo from That's Incredible!

 

Why this forgettable show crossed my mind recently I have no clear idea. But it got me thinking about the opposite of what that mediocre program represented. That's Incredible! eventually (after the novelty wore off) degenerated into a series of silly segments featuring freaks doing, well . . . freaky things. Cringing was the universal reaction to the deeds of the average Americans who were "lucky" enough to pass the producers' screening process.

 

My idea would never make it on the air of course, but the preponderance of possibilities for That's Impossible! (copyright pending) are plentiful. Just as there are many amazing human accomplishments over time, there are also an equal number of things that simply cannot be done. I'm not talking about physical impossibilities like sneezing with your eyes open (I've heard your eyes blow out of your head) or touching your tongue on your elbow (doable only if you intentionally dislocate your shoulder). Instead, I'm referring to impossibilities that can't be done because of our own cultural constraints. For instance:

 

1. Reciting the planets of the solar system without snickering: With apologies to readers offended by my rectum story last week, once you've reached Saturn you're on your own (it's okay to laugh. I still do). Sadly, the correct pronunciation is not what we think (click here - "Uranus"). But if you study the picture below closely, I think you'll agree with me that Saturn should have been named Uranus. After all, those rings do look like they are trying to push a planet through. Oh well, this too shall pass. 

 

2. Dolphins cannot be villains on SyFy Channel movies: Sharknadoes? Sure. Crocosauruses? Absolutely. Giant Spiders? All day long. Some combination of all three? Why not. The second smartest species on the planet? Not a chance. I don't care if the dolphin has shark teeth, I'm still going to root for the dolphin. Even the NFL's Miami Dolphins have unsuccessfully tested my theory for years, sporting ever fiercer dolphin logos on their helmets since 1974. The last Super Bowl winning season for the Dolphins? 1973. Coincidence? Me thinks not. A smiling dolphin equals Super Bowl victories. Give me Flipper any day.

 Case closed

 

3. Being intimate while listening to Christmas music: Ish! Gross! Even the thought of combining the two makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Let's be honest - Christmas music (which I love) is the least sexy genre of music. In fact, if Christmas music were a friend it would be our platonic buddy of the opposite sex who we never think of in "that way."

Fine, every impossibility has an exception



 

4. Retiring someday: Is such a thing even remotely possible for most people anymore? Anyone else just a wee bit worried about their golden years besides me? I know I'm not the only person who believes the Great Recession of 2008-09 hasn't really ended. Stable economy, my ass. The American Dream - of which retirement is a small but significant part - needs redefining for a new and altogether different century. Politicians can continue to peddle the same old nonsense to us every four years in clipped tones and catchy sound bites, but the proof is in the possibilities. The postwar economy created a consumer culture in America - Mission Accomplished - but 70 years later the bill is marked "past due" with no funds (or fun) in sight.

Charity starts at home, Bub!

5.  Will a person's race ever be irrelevant in American life?: I am a middle-aged white male of western European ancestry living in the United States of America. Do you really think I don't know how wildly lucky I am? In a moment of great national pride, I was beaming when the electorate chose a bi-racial man to become our 44th President in November 2008. It represented progress, although I was under no illusions that the daily politics of race would change overnight for non-white Americans. We have come far since the dark days of Wounded Knee, Rock Springs, Japanese Internment, Jim Crow, Emmett Till, Birmingham, Watts and Los Angeles. And we will go further still in the next 100 years. But we are not a post-racial nation - as some post-election pundits suggested - and never will be. Human nature dictates two things: that first impressions often dictate future interactions, and people often fear what they don't know, or what is different. Plug race into this equation and a likely outcome is Profiling and Prejudice. Understandable, to a point. But if clung to past all rational thinking, tragedy can follow. Isn't that right, George?

Anything's possible.