Things That Need To Go Away

I have been accused of being an Eye Roller. Eye rolling communicates a lot of things, none of them good. Among other things, eye-rolling is a substitute for: 1) "Oh brother." 2) "I don't have time for this." 3) "Great. Drunk again." 4) "You're an idiot." 5) "Please. Stop. Talking." And the list continues. However, I have learned the hard way that eye-rolling is terribly dismissive and disrespectful to the recipient. Better to just say what the eye-roll is replacing in the first place, right?

Saturating the unfortunate necessity for a good old-fashioned eye roll is fatigue. Fatigue is the universal, momentary feeling of every eye roller ("I am so tired of this"). Again, I'm not implying eye rolling is right, okay or deserved. But it does suggest a Hands thrown up in the air, I'm done quality. And if we are all honest with ourselves, eye rolling occasionally gives off an "Whew, I need a cigarette" sort of aftertaste. Okay, maybe that's just me.

Lucky for me I'm not a smoker, otherwise I would be in the grip of a three pack-a-day problem. You see, eye rolling also loudly screams something else as well - "Please Go Away!" I'm not referring to the important people and relationships in our lives, but the cultural background noise we are inundated with on a daily basis. I guess we each have our own eye rolling threshhold, which differs widely from person to person - so if any of these are on your Must Have lists I apologize, but they really make my eyes roll:

PEOPLE

1. Donald Trump - Blowhard, Self-Promoter, Bully and Tool who does not believe in anything (all of his conservative rhetoric to the contrary) but himself. His mantra states, "If there's nothing in it for me, why bother."

2. Jodi Piccoult - Perennial best-selling author whose writing skills are on par with the literary genuis of E.L. James (she of the 50 Shades of Grey fame). Am I jealous of her fat book contracts and optioning them into movies? You bet your ass I am. Perhaps I should go the route of TV dog Brian Griffin and pen a book like his best-seller, "Wish It, Want It, Do It."

3. Nicholas Sparks - see PEOPLE, Article 2.

4. The Rolling Stones - This is a hard one for me. I love the Stones, but I'm referring to the pre-Mick Jagger and David Bowie record and video; the God-awful version of Dancing in the Streets for the Live Aid concert way back in 1985. They haven't been relevant - or good - since that infamous display. And aren't they in their late 80's now anyway?

5. The Simpsons - I include Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie with a great deal of sadness. In its heyday, this Springfield, USA-based satire disguised as sitcom was cutting edge. And for all I know they may still be airing high-quality shows, but does anyone watch anymore? Good Lord, they've been on FOX since 1989!

PERSONAL APPEARANCE

1. Goatees - At the risk of pissing off some of you, goatees have become a stereotype. And the stereotype is not flattering. Many adjectives could be used to describe it, but the one that works best might be Douche. Which reminds me, I need to shave.

2. Tattoos - Okay, I've become That Guy - the lame ass who sounds like he's fresh out of The Establishment, spewing silliness like, "you better cover all evidence of those tats if you want to be taken seriously during a profesional job interview," or "all that ink is going to look ridiculous when you're in your 70's." But I now actually have the sneaking suspicion it is all true. Ugh, I've become a cliche! Feel free to give me an eye roll.

3. Eyebrow Piercing - see PERSONAL APPEARANCE, Article 1, Subsection a) Job Interview, b) Look Ridiculous and c) Ugh.

4. Lobe-Expanding Earrings - Two body parts grow our entire lives, our ears and nose (sorry guys, I was hoping for the same part too. No luck.). Why in the world would we want our earlobes to look like our great-grandmothers sooner instead of later?

CLOTHING

1. Straight-brimmed Caps - When I was a kid I used to form my ball caps by winding a rubberband around them in the same way I would mold a new baseball glove. When during this God Help Me, New Era Generation did kids start wearing these things with a straight, unmolded brim? Every time I see one I want to tear it off a kid's head and shape the crap out of it! And why, oh why are you leaving the stickers on? I am getting so old . . .

2. Showing Too Much Cleavage - You may be saying, "Can a woman really show too much cleavage? Is that possible?" Hey, I am just as much a fan of the female form as the next guy, but whatever happened to leaving just a bit of mystery for us fellas to ponder? Might make us work a little harder ladies. And in case you were wondering - yes, that is the next President of the United States shown below.

3. Skinny Jeans - Ladies, keep up the good work, you look great. Guys, knock it off before this particular trend reaches those of us who are nearly middle-aged. I can't pull off the look. Please don't make me try.

4. Scarves - The scarf as a fashion statement is enjoying a Renaissance like no other neckwear since ties were required public attire for men during a large chunk of the 20th century. Frankly, they typically look nice on both women and men. I just feel like being a bit of a Contrarian. Getting ahead of the curve since I usually come to fads when they are on their last legs - but I'll probably just enjoy this one from afar.

BEHAVIOR

1. Babying Our Children - New Law #1: Anyone over 22 years old cannot live at home - no loopholes or exceptions. New Law #2: When the school calls regarding your child, believe the school, not your child's lame excuse. Teenagers lie. Really, really, well. New Law #3: On a child's 5th birthday a parent must drop them off two miles from home. If they make it home, Happy Birthday.

2. Smartphone Self-Portraits - If this trend continues, soon babies will be born with one arm longer than the other as an evolutionary response (yes, evolution is real) to that hidden appendage I know is taking the picture but can't quite be certain because of the cropping feature on every phone. Disclaimer - I don't own a smartphone and am intensely jealous. Fortunately, I'm not photogenic - so I've got that going for me - which is nice.

3. Wholly Out of Proportion On-Field Celebrations - When a football player sacks the quarterback for a measly two yard loss during a meaningless game in which his team is getting blown out, and follows it up with an obviously rehearsed, "Please notice me, ESPN," celebratory gyration, his team should be hit with a 50 yard penalty and the player be forced to double the child support he pays for each of the six children he has fathered by four different women. That'll fix it.

4. Bluetooth Earpiece - Just answer your damn phone, dude. Whoever suggested that you look cool or busy or important wandering Target talking to no one led you far, far astray.

Whew! I need a smoke.