How to Look Busy
I have been in the working world now for half of my life. The first third of that time was in the legal field, the rest has been as a middle school teacher. Each of these jobs has had a different culture and set of expectations for professionalism and performance. But I was very fortunate to learn that most universal – and transferable – workplace lesson early in my career. I am speaking of course of the art of How to Look Busy.
None of us can truly succeed in work or life without mentors. They are the great teachers - Jedi Knights – working and living among us. When it came to the craft of Looking Busy, my sensei was a frumpy little man named George. We met nearly 20 years ago. In hindsight, perfect timing. George was not physically intimidating. Truth be told, he was rather unimpressive. Short, paunchy, balding, a bit of a hypochondriac. Personally, George was deceitful and selfish, reveling in others’ misfortunes and quite frankly, entirely uncomfortable to be around. But these shortcomings and quirks, rather than holding him back, allowed George to soar. He soared so low to the ground (Yoda-like) that he was able to hide in plain sight. But when spotted in the workplace, George was prepared, wielding his underwhelming talents skillfully, like a low-watt lightsaber.
George preferred not to pass along his wisdom personally. He actually didn’t like people all that much, his only friends being a fastidious, committed bachelor, another an unrepentant, lanky mooch who didn’t subscribe to any rules of “normal” society and the last a woman who hoarded contraceptives like they were aluminum cans. Instead, he sent out regular videos that clearly outlined his art. After careful and repeated viewing, it was clear that Looking Busy was not just a pastime for George but his life’s passion. And nothing pleased him more than passing along his "talents."
George, unlike many of us, worked in a field that allowed him a lot of down time. He literally had four months with almost nothing to do. It was between these “seasons” of work that George maintained a thin veneer of effort, producing just enough to dupe his slightly crazy boss who regularly called George into his office to rant about everything from calzones to bodysuits. Failure to put up such a façade would have meant that he would be asked to do real work (unthinkable). So it was during this crucial four month “off-season” that Looking Busy was employed. And George’s lessons were exquisitely simple.
1. The first, “golden” rule for How to Look Busy is pure genius. Whenever you come into contact with a co-worker, be sure to frown. Nothing clears an office hallway like a troubled, angry look. No one likes a Sourpuss. People assume you are immersed in a complex, hard to solve crisis, when in fact you might just be on your way to the bathroom. Either way, it’s a win-win.
2. Mumble to yourself. People are uncomfortable around mumblers. Again, a room-clearer. “Has he taken his medication?” people will wonder. You may develop an unearned reputation as an “eccentric”, but the dividends will be immediate. You will never be asked to pitch in on any project or group effort. And getting asked to buy anything for some child’s school fundraiser? Fuggettaboutit!
3. During rare times when you are approached by a co-worker, immediately answer your cell phone (thank you vibrate setting!). While answering the phantom call, hold up one finger and whisper, “Just a second, I need to take this call.” A short pause can easily morph into an uncomfortably long wait, one you can mercifully end by saying, “I’m sorry, this is going to take longer than I thought.” Then off you go for a two hour lunch.
4. Always – wherever you may be in your workplace – always carry a stack of paper with you. Paper communicates one thing: I'm very busy. If you’re carrying paperwork with you, no one will dare add to your workload. Of course, the information on the paper might be as meaningless as Senator McCarthy’s “List of Communists” that inaugurated the Red Scare of the 1950’s (his paper was blank too), but you get the point. Grocery list, fantasy football roster, blog topics – it doesn’t really matter. Just remember to study your "paperwork" in all common areas of the workplace. Such behavior sends the singular message: Leave me alone.
George’s rules for How to Look Busy never failed him. And when they were perfected and co-workers left him totally alone, his creativity reached its zenith when he installed a hidden twin bed sleeper inside his office desk, complete with Egyptian cotton sheets and a sound machine that simulated waves crashing onshore. And so George’s ascendance to Jedi Master was passed in peaceful slumber during the long “off-season”.
George was my first mentor (kind of a jerk really, when I think about it), and for that and so much more, I will never forget him. Across countless Office Spaces, countless first mentorships are forming. Some will last a lifetime. Some won't survive the mentor’s firing (George thought it was okay to have sex with the office cleaning lady. "Was that wrong?" he asked. It was). All will be meaningful. Maybe some will even begin with the words . . .
Kid, leave me alone; can’t you see I’m busy?
Godspeed, Mr. Costanza (click and enjoy).
None of us can truly succeed in work or life without mentors. They are the great teachers - Jedi Knights – working and living among us. When it came to the craft of Looking Busy, my sensei was a frumpy little man named George. We met nearly 20 years ago. In hindsight, perfect timing. George was not physically intimidating. Truth be told, he was rather unimpressive. Short, paunchy, balding, a bit of a hypochondriac. Personally, George was deceitful and selfish, reveling in others’ misfortunes and quite frankly, entirely uncomfortable to be around. But these shortcomings and quirks, rather than holding him back, allowed George to soar. He soared so low to the ground (Yoda-like) that he was able to hide in plain sight. But when spotted in the workplace, George was prepared, wielding his underwhelming talents skillfully, like a low-watt lightsaber.
George preferred not to pass along his wisdom personally. He actually didn’t like people all that much, his only friends being a fastidious, committed bachelor, another an unrepentant, lanky mooch who didn’t subscribe to any rules of “normal” society and the last a woman who hoarded contraceptives like they were aluminum cans. Instead, he sent out regular videos that clearly outlined his art. After careful and repeated viewing, it was clear that Looking Busy was not just a pastime for George but his life’s passion. And nothing pleased him more than passing along his "talents."
George, unlike many of us, worked in a field that allowed him a lot of down time. He literally had four months with almost nothing to do. It was between these “seasons” of work that George maintained a thin veneer of effort, producing just enough to dupe his slightly crazy boss who regularly called George into his office to rant about everything from calzones to bodysuits. Failure to put up such a façade would have meant that he would be asked to do real work (unthinkable). So it was during this crucial four month “off-season” that Looking Busy was employed. And George’s lessons were exquisitely simple.
1. The first, “golden” rule for How to Look Busy is pure genius. Whenever you come into contact with a co-worker, be sure to frown. Nothing clears an office hallway like a troubled, angry look. No one likes a Sourpuss. People assume you are immersed in a complex, hard to solve crisis, when in fact you might just be on your way to the bathroom. Either way, it’s a win-win.
2. Mumble to yourself. People are uncomfortable around mumblers. Again, a room-clearer. “Has he taken his medication?” people will wonder. You may develop an unearned reputation as an “eccentric”, but the dividends will be immediate. You will never be asked to pitch in on any project or group effort. And getting asked to buy anything for some child’s school fundraiser? Fuggettaboutit!
3. During rare times when you are approached by a co-worker, immediately answer your cell phone (thank you vibrate setting!). While answering the phantom call, hold up one finger and whisper, “Just a second, I need to take this call.” A short pause can easily morph into an uncomfortably long wait, one you can mercifully end by saying, “I’m sorry, this is going to take longer than I thought.” Then off you go for a two hour lunch.
4. Always – wherever you may be in your workplace – always carry a stack of paper with you. Paper communicates one thing: I'm very busy. If you’re carrying paperwork with you, no one will dare add to your workload. Of course, the information on the paper might be as meaningless as Senator McCarthy’s “List of Communists” that inaugurated the Red Scare of the 1950’s (his paper was blank too), but you get the point. Grocery list, fantasy football roster, blog topics – it doesn’t really matter. Just remember to study your "paperwork" in all common areas of the workplace. Such behavior sends the singular message: Leave me alone.
George’s rules for How to Look Busy never failed him. And when they were perfected and co-workers left him totally alone, his creativity reached its zenith when he installed a hidden twin bed sleeper inside his office desk, complete with Egyptian cotton sheets and a sound machine that simulated waves crashing onshore. And so George’s ascendance to Jedi Master was passed in peaceful slumber during the long “off-season”.
George was my first mentor (kind of a jerk really, when I think about it), and for that and so much more, I will never forget him. Across countless Office Spaces, countless first mentorships are forming. Some will last a lifetime. Some won't survive the mentor’s firing (George thought it was okay to have sex with the office cleaning lady. "Was that wrong?" he asked. It was). All will be meaningful. Maybe some will even begin with the words . . .
Kid, leave me alone; can’t you see I’m busy?
Godspeed, Mr. Costanza (click and enjoy).
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