Turning Your CANT'S Into CAN DO'S

If you’re like me - middle-aged – you may occasionally define yourself by what you think you can no longer do, rather than by what you haven’t done yet. This process – what I call “The CAN’TS” – is subtle. It begins casually, perhaps as a wistful backward glance at a lost opportunity or road not taken. Before you know it, the CAN’TS have gained a toehold on your attitude and outlook.

I’m not referring to the many things we CAN’T physically do anymore; – that list is plenty long - I mean the wish list items we have scratched out not because we completed them, but instead because we lost sight of them. They became blurry during the years when we might have been raising children, working longer hours or paying mortgages.

Simply put, “life” occasionally gets in the way of living.

We all deal with life’s challenges and adversity. Some people even endure tragedy. If you have lived to a certain age, you may have already experience both. If that’s you, you had every right to lick your wounds, grieve and hopefully heal. The understandable thing to do at such a time is mourn. But – and I say this with the utmost compassion – don’t mourn too long. Mourning too long keeps you locked in the past, where wounds seldom scar over, and deprives you of the opportunity to enjoy moments of happiness each day.

I think this is the biggest life lesson I am just beginning to appreciate. No person can be continuously happy. But everyone can find daily slivers of pleasure and contentment between work deadlines, financial stresses and to-do lists.

Just like pity parties, enjoying the “small stuff” becomes habit-forming. When new positive habits are formed, the CAN’TS suddenly become renewed possibilities, rather than life’s eventual collection of “what-ifs”. I’m not talking about shedding the skin of who we are, or abandoning our legitimate responsibilities by throwing caution to the wind. Instead, I mean taking measured risks that have the prospect of improving our outlook on life and our meaningful relationships.

To that end, here is a list of CAN’TS that I am in the process of transforming into CAN DO’S. They aren’t earth-shattering or all-consuming. But they do make me smile and help me look forward, not back.

1.     Downhill Skiing – On my first ski trip thirty years ago, I watched a friend plow into a tree and break his femur. My second ski trip was two years ago. Quite a gap. But a pastime I thought I would never do again has become something I will do the rest of my life. The cost can be a deterrent, but craigslist and coupons have made skis affordable and lift tickets reasonable.

2.     Softball Umpiring – Two years ago a co-worker suggested I try umping in order to pick up a little extra cash. I realized after only a few games that, as long as I had another full-time job, I would umpire baseball and softball games for free (although I haven’t made that offer to my summer employer yet). Emphatically yelling “OUT”, “STRIKE” and “SAFE” secure in the knowledge that I called a fair, even game is very satisfying. 

3.     Creative Writing – We all have different ways we express ourselves. A short list includes musically, athletically, theatrically, artistically, dance, talking and writing. When I was a teenager, I realized that writing was the best process for me to organize my thoughts, express my feelings and communicate ideas. And thanks to the internet, sharing thoughts, feelings and ideas has never been easier. Without it, I probably wouldn’t be writing again. It won’t make me rich but it is making me happy.

4.     Doing “Crazy” Things – Most of the time, I’m one of the least crazy people I know. Two weeks ago, a friend told me she was taking the “Polar Plunge” this March. Before a rational thought could enter my brain I shouted, “I’m in!” That got me thinking about other slightly nutty adventures I have said No to: tandem sky-diving, bungee-jumping, spontaneous road trips and streaking (scratch that, there was that one night in college). It’s not that life is too short to keep saying “NO” to these opportunities; it’s that life is too long not to say “YES” now and then.

5.     Making New Friends – Making new friends takes free time, something most adults don’t have in great quantities. This is probably the primary reason our friendship circles shrinks after high school or college. Free time now usually includes Netflix on a Friday night, reading a book before falling asleep most weekdays, or family get-togethers Saturday or Sunday. Nonetheless, I believe making new friends is a vital part of growing older. As we are all discovering, old doesn’t mean dead. Adults keep evolving, acquiring new interests and passions. It’s only natural that new friends should be a part of that equation.

That’s my short list. Each new undertaking has forced me to step out of my comfort zone. But with every new step, additional possibilities reveal themselves. And when my eyes see these potential roads ahead, I realize I am smiling.

What are your CAN DO’S?